There’s a moment before beginning the breathwork where resistance shows up as exhaustion and irritation.

Sometimes it’s even paired with a voice that says this isn’t working, I don’t know why I keep doing this.

I’ve watched it happen with almost everyone I’ve worked with. And I’ve observed as it was happening within me.

What that feeling actually is: the brain encountering the edge of its own architecture. The familiar road ending. The story it’s been running for 30, 40, 50 years picking up speed to keep you on it.

Here’s what I want you to understand about why change feels dangerous. And I mean that literally, not metaphorically.

Familiar is categorized as safe, even when what’s familiar is pain, chaos, or a decades-long relationship with a version of yourself you’re trying to leave.

This is M.U.D. doing its job, diligently and effectively.

Misguided Unconscious Decisions were formed in the body of a child, teenager, or young adult who didn’t have better options.

The kid who learned that asking for things gets you shamed. How can you be so selfish, don’t you realize how hard things are right now?

The adult who learned that emotions are a problem. You’re too much. Get over it already.

The person who got good at making themselves small because small was the only size that felt allowed. Nevermind. No one wants to hear what you say anyway.

The brain filed all of that under survival. And your survival system does not take notes when the threat is over.

This is why you can know something is wrong and keep doing it anyway.

Why you can spend a year in therapy understanding your patterns perfectly and still repeat them!

The knowing and the being are different systems. The cortex understands. The body repeats.

What the breathwork is doing, what the Story Circle process is doing, is working at the level where the pattern actually lives.

Not explaining it to you. Not convincing you to think differently.

Creating the conditions where the old emotional charge can release, and the new story can be written into the body, not just the mind.

One woman in my program told me this week that her body just knows things intellectually. That the prefrontal cortex understands the lie, but the body repeats the pattern anyway.

I said, yes. That’s exactly it. And that’s exactly what we’re working on.

The plan isn’t to override the body with the mind. The plan is to let the body catch up.

There’s no timeline for that. It can’t be rushed. But the conditions for it can be created. By showing up and doing the daily reps, the breathwork, the willingness to keep touching the thing even when it feels like it’s not moving.

You don’t have to see the whole staircase. You just need the next step and the trust that the one after it will appear.

The story underneath is the only thing worth rewriting. Everything else is downstream.

This kind of work, identity-level change, not just behavior change, is what happens inside The Permission Experiment. It’s a 12-week small group program. The next cohort forms in September and the waitlist is open now. If this resonates, you can get on the list [here] or just reply and I’ll tell you more.

She’d been avoiding her storage room for four years.

Not because she didn’t know it needed sorting. Not because she didn’t have time. Because every time she thought about it, condemnation showed up first.

The harsh internal voice that said: you should have done this already. What’s wrong with you? You’ll never actually do it.

So she didn’t.

And then one evening after a Breath Enhanced Emotional Processing session (a key component of The Permission Experiment), she made a decision.

Just for the next day, she was going to live without condemnation.

Whatever she felt like doing, she’d do. If she skipped her morning routine, fine. If she had a cookie, fine. No self-prosecution. Just for one day.

She didn’t have the cookie.

She did go down to the storage room and found herself doing four years of avoided work in a single afternoon.

I’ve been thinking about this ever since she shared it in our weekly Compound Coaching.

Not because it’s surprising, exactly. But because it shines the light on something most of us cannot recognize: condemnation isn’t a motivator.

We think it is. We treat it like the thing that keeps us honest, the internal voice that holds the standard, the pressure that produces results. The stick over the carrot.

But that’s not what it does.

What condemnation actually does is create a nervous system that’s bracing for impact before it’s even started.

You approach a task already feeling guilty. Already behind. Already failing.

And a nervous system in that state doesn’t move freely toward hard things.

It contracts. It avoids. It finds reasons to stay away from the storage room for four years, because the storage room isn’t just a storage room anymore.

It’s evidence.

Remove the condemnation, and something shifts.

The task is no longer a zero sum game, it’s just a task.

The morning is just a morning. The cookie is just a cookie, and because it’s just a cookie, you don’t need to eat it to rebel against anything.

This is what I mean when I say identity is upstream of behavior.

She didn’t clean the storage room because she finally found the discipline. She cleaned it because she temporarily removed the identity layer that made it feel like proof of her failures.

And in that space, her natural energy went somewhere useful.

My own version of this looks different but it’s the same mechanism.

I used to measure my productivity against a fixed standard. What I got done yesterday. What I got done last week. What I thought I should be able to do on a good day.

And then I’d beat myself up for not matching it.

Here’s what I know now: my best varies from day to day. Some days my bandwidth is high. Some days it’s not, and there are usually good reasons for that, reasons I may not even be fully conscious of.

The work that used to sit behind condemnation - why aren’t you doing more, why isn’t this done, what is wrong with you - that work is lighter now. Because I stopped comparing today’s best to yesterday’s.

Not to lower my standards, rather to embrace an accurate read of today’s reality.

Your best on a Tuesday after a hard weekend is not the same as your best on a rested Wednesday morning.

Treating them as equivalent and then punishing yourself for the gap isn’t conscientiousness. It’s noise. And noise makes it harder to hear what you actually need from day to day.

Back to my client’s experiment for a moment, because there’s a piece of it I don’t want to skip.

When she came to the edge of her condemnation habit mid-day, she felt herself starting to slip back into it. And she caught it. Just for today. Not forever. Just today.

That’s not a trick. That’s a legitimate identity-change tool.

The problem with telling yourself “I’m going to stop condemning myself” is that it’s too big, too abstract, too permanent-feeling for a nervous system that built its whole operating system around self-punishment.

The brain argues with it. It doesn’t feel safe. What if you need the condemnation to keep yourself in line?

“Just for today” is small enough that the brain doesn’t fight it. It’s a contained experiment. You’re not dismantling the whole structure, you’re just taking one day off from it.

And what happens in that day becomes its own evidence.

She didn’t fall apart. She didn’t eat all the cookies. She cleaned the room she’d avoided for four years and felt something she described as a brand new world.

That’s a prediction error. The nervous system expected one outcome and got another.

And prediction errors are exactly how beliefs change at the identity level. Not through willpower, not through deciding differently, but through experiencing something that the old belief said wasn’t possible!

One day. No condemnation. New data.

If this sounds at all like you, I want to ask you something.

What has condemnation been keeping you from?

Not metaphorically. Specifically.

What is the storage room in your life? The thing you’ve been circling for years, not because you can’t do it, but because every time you approach it, the voice shows up first and makes it mean something it doesn’t actually mean?

Those unseen equations we don’t even realize are controlling us.

What would happen if you took one day off from that voice?

You don’t have to commit to forever. Just today.

One day without the self-prosecution, without comparing yourself to a version of you that existed under different conditions, without making the undone thing evidence of another perceived failure.

Just today.

See what moves.

This kind of work, identity-level change, not just behavior change, is what happens inside The Permission Experiment. It’s a 12-week small group program. The next cohort forms in September and the waitlist is open now. If this resonates, you can get on the list [here] or just reply and I’ll tell you more.

A client showed up 50-minutes late to a one-hour session.

I was a personal trainer. We had ten minutes left. And at the end of it, I apologized to them. For not having more time to give.

I had been waiting for 50-minutes. And I was the one saying sorry.

I didn’t do it out of fear. I didn’t strategize it.

It was completely automatic, the words were out of my mouth before I’d made any decision at all. Somewhere inside of me, my M.U.D. (misguided unconscious decisions) had an equation that compared me to others and automatically found me lacking.

Within that M.U.D. lived something I hadn’t consciously chosen to believe: this is my fault. I should have been able to fix it. If I were only more, I could still make a difference.

That’s not an apology. That’s a self-referential balance sheet.

The reflexive I’m sorry is one of the most common patterns I see in people-pleasers.

Not a real apology, the genuine one you offer when you’ve actually done something wrong. That’s the one that matters.

I mean the other one. The automatic one. The one that comes out when someone asks you to repeat yourself and you say sorry before you answer.

The one you say when you need to squeeze past someone on a sidewalk.

The one I said to a client who had wasted both our time and somehow, in my nervous system, that translated to: I am less than. I am last in line.

What’s underneath that reflex isn’t combativeness or weakness. It’s an identity that got built, slowly, in response to real experiences, around the belief that your presence, your needs, your time, your very existence requires constant justification.

Your value has to be earned.

You don’t just decide to stop being that person.

But you can start noticing the reports you’re filing.

For a long time I also couldn’t accept a compliment without immediately deflecting it.

If someone said something kind about my work, I’d offer a counter-argument. Oh, it wasn’t really that good. I could have done it better. Here is what I didn’t do well...

I thought accepting a compliment meant agreeing with it. And agreeing with it felt arrogant. Like I was placing myself above the person giving it which conflicts with the M.U.D. that says I am last in line, I am less than.

What I didn’t understand then: rejecting a compliment doesn’t make you humble. It makes you unavailable for appreciation. You build a wall so that nothing good can get in, including the experience of being seen.

The shift I eventually made was small. A linguistic change. But it changed something real.

Instead of I’m sorry I’m late, I started saying thank you for waiting.

Instead of deflecting a compliment, I started saying thank you and allowing myself to receive it.

Same situations. Completely different identity speaking.

I’m sorry embodies a worthiness report. Thank you owns the moment as something you were allowed to be part of.

When you say thank you for waiting, you’re not pretending the lateness didn’t happen. You’re acknowledging the other person’s generosity instead of prosecuting yourself for coming up short.

You go from I am the problem to I am worth waiting for. That’s not a semantic trick. That’s a different relationship to your own existence.

I run Story Circles inside The Permission Experiment. It’s a process built around three questions:

1. What’s the struggle?

2. What have you been making it mean?

3. What’s the gift, the opportunity inside that struggle?

This week, someone in the room named her pattern out loud for the first time: decades of automatic apologizing, traced back to its origins. And when she named it, we all recognized it. Not because it’s unusual, because it’s all too common. Because most of us who grew up learning to make ourselves small have some version of this running.

Recognizing that is the beginning.

You can’t change a pattern you haven’t seen. And you can’t see it clearly until you stop defending it, until you’re willing to ask what the I’m sorry is actually for.

What worthiness report it’s filing.

What it costs you every time you perpetuate the old pattern.

Here’s what I know from the other side of that pattern:

The version of me who apologized to the client who was 50-minutes late, she was doing the best she could with the identity she had. That pattern protected something, once. I’m not here to be hard on her.

But I’m also not interested in going back.

Thank you for waiting changed things. Not because the words are magic.

Because the words pointed at an identity that was already starting to form, one that didn’t require constant justification. One that could receive appreciation without arguing with it.

One that understood that the opposite of apologizing for your existence isn’t arrogance.

It’s just being here. Fully. Without the never-ending apologizing.

That’s available to you too. It takes work, real work, identity-level work, not just swapping phrases.

But it starts with noticing what you’ve been filing.

If this resonates and you want to do the deeper work, the kind that actually changes the identity underneath the pattern, not just the behavior on top of it, The Permission Experiment waitlist is open. It’s a 12-week small group program, and the next cohort forms later this year. You can get on the list [here] or just send me a message and I’ll tell you more.

Subscribe now

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Build an identity that makes freedom your default.

If you’ve ever been self-aware enough to see the people-pleasing pattern clearly, but somehow still end up in it anyway, this may be for you.

If you’re tired of performing versions of change that don’t last, and you’re ready to work at the level where the pattern actually lives, this may also be for you.

Over the next 12 weeks, you will:

• Identify the Misguided Unconscious Decisions running your nervous system without your permission

• Understand the Least Action Pathway keeping you stuck, and learn how to rewire it

• Release the emotional charge attached to the memories that built the pattern in the first place

• Stop managing people-pleasing and start becoming someone who doesn’t need to

• Experience what it feels like when your memories shift without the struggle

• Build a new nervous system default, one that leads toward freedom instead of self-erasure

• Discover what you actually want, underneath everything you’ve been performing

The version of you who doesn’t loop anymore, they’re 12 weeks away.

Enrollment closes today at 11:59 pm.

The Permission Experiment begins tomorrow, April 10th. 12 spots.

This is the last chance.

→ Cohort 2 The Permission Experiment

For five months, I showed up to a program called the Belief Transformation Intensive with Harry Pickens. Fifteen to twenty people on a call. Four days on, ten days off. A circle of strangers becoming, slowly, a co-regulating group of friends.

And every single time we were asked to share - to share our biggest insight on a call, to say what had shifted, what we’d noticed, what we observed during the ten days between sessions - I felt it. Pressure. Then anger.

Not at anyone in the room. At being seen.

I want to tell you what was actually happening underneath that, because I think you might recognize it.

Hiding in plain sight

Here’s something most people who know my work don’t know about me: I hide in plain sight.

I sign up for things. I show up. But I don’t always raise my hand. I don’t always let it all hang out. There’s a line from a movie I love - let your freak flag fly - and I only do that with people who already know me, who’ve already proven it’s safe.

With strangers? I become a body and probably not much more.

I teach people it’s safe to be seen - an entire methodology around identity-level change and showing up as your future self. And yet in that circle, with people I didn’t yet know, my nervous system had a standing prediction running in the background: you are outside the circle. You hide in plain sight. It is not safe to be part of, to be seen and heard.

Being called on to share violated that prediction. And my system responded the way protection responses do - with pressure, then anger, then the urge to go hide.

What I didn’t know yet was that showing up anyway was exactly the medicine.

The spark and the ten days

In the beginning, the ten days between sessions looked like this: I went back to being me.

That’s the most honest way I can say it. I went back to my life, my patterns, my familiar self. We were asked to comment in the course portal. I didn’t. We were asked to do daily self-work. I was inconsistent. I wasn’t consciously focused on what wasn’t changing, but I certainly wasn’t focused on where I was going either.

My GPS wasn’t pointed the wrong direction. It wasn’t pointed anywhere. I was idling in neutral.

Here’s the analogy that finally made sense of all of it: when you’re building a fire and you get that first spark, that’s when the real work begins. You don’t walk away. You blow on it gently. You add kindling, then fuel, then more fuel - tending it until it can hold itself.

In the beginning, I was letting the spark die. Not out of resistance. Not out of laziness. Out of something more fundamental: I didn’t yet understand that noticing the change was the work. I thought the sessions were the work. The ten days were just… life.

This is what memory reconsolidation research tells us about behavioral change: new experiences create the conditions for old predictions to update, but the brain needs repetition and attention to consolidate what’s new.

A spark of insight in a session is a necessary beginning. It is not the destination. Without tending, the nervous system simply returns to its least action pathway - the well-worn grooves of who it already knows how to be.

I was returning to my least action pathway every ten days without even noticing.

The method actor and the fractals

The shift came when I finally understood the difference between a performative actor and a method actor.

A performative actor shows up, delivers the lines, and goes home. A method actor becomes the character - on set, off set, in the grocery store, in the middle of an ordinary Tuesday. They don’t perform the role. They inhabit it.

I was a performative actor in my own transformation. I showed up to sessions and did the work. Then I walked offstage and back into my old identity.

The turning point - and I can date it to roughly three or four weeks ago - was when I finally committed to an exercise Harry had assigned early one called creating fractals. Sensory, vivid, present-tense scenes of my future self in specific moments.

Not affirmations. Not goals. Felt experiences of who I’m becoming, written in enough detail that my nervous system could begin to recognize them as real.

I had the fractals. I hadn’t been reading them.

When I started reading them every single day - settling into them, letting them land in my body - something shifted that I can only describe as the method actor arriving.

The future self stopped being a concept I visited and started being someone I was practicing being.

And then something happened that stopped me mid-conversation.

Someone asked me what I do.

This question has always made me feel uncomfortable. My hands would flap - a tell I’ve had for years, a signal of discomfort my body couldn’t hide. I would fumble through an answer that never quite landed.

This time, there was none of that. There was just a simple, clear, comfortable answer. Grounded. Mine.

I recognized it immediately: that was one of my fractals. That exact moment! I had read it so many times that my nervous system had begun to expect it - and when it arrived in real life, there was no mismatch, no alarm, no hands flapping. Just a woman who knew what she did and said it without apology.

That is prediction error working in your favor. That is reconsolidation happening outside the session.

That is the method actor who forgot she was acting.

How I knew it was working

There’s a teaching I’ve carried from my mentor Dr. Jade Teta that I come back to again and again: when we’re operating from our old patterns - our M.U.D. (misguided unconscious decisions) - we run into repeating problems, recurring obstacles, stuck states.

The same walls. The same loops.

But when we’re moving into our future self, when we’re operating from something more aligned and awake, we start to experience serendipity. Synchronicities. Opportunities that seem to arrive from nowhere.

That’s been my experience these past weeks. Not just the clean answer about what I do. Comfort around my pricing. Ease in conversations that used to make me shrink inside. Small moments of recognizing myself in ways I hadn’t before.

The GPS isn’t pointed at what I don’t want anymore. It finally has a destination.

And back in the circle? The sharing got easier. I don’t know exactly when the resistance dissolved - these things rarely announce themselves. But at some point, I stopped performing participation and started actually being there.

Authentic. Open.

A part of the group rather than orbiting it.

That invisibility of the shift is important. Real change often doesn’t feel like a breakthrough. It feels like one day you notice you’re no longer doing the thing you used to do.

The old prediction just quietly lost its charge.

What this has to do with you

If you’re on my list, chances are you’re doing some version of change work. You’re reading, learning, attending, trying.

And I want to ask you something: are you tending the spark?

Not just showing up to the sessions. Not just consuming the information. Are you inhabiting your future self in between? In the ordinary Tuesdays? In the moment someone asks you what you do?

Because the work isn’t only in the room. It’s in what you do when you leave it.

What’s possible in twelve weeks

This is exactly what we do inside The Permission Experiment.

The story circles aren’t just a place to share. They’re the place where people discover - often for the first time - that it’s safe to be seen by strangers. That the circle doesn’t have to be earned before you can belong to it.

One woman in Cohort 1 told me she hadn’t spoken her truth out loud in a group setting in years. By week six she was the one holding space for others.

Sherry came in knowing something needed to change, but felt unable to name it. By the end of week eleven, she could. And more than that - she was acting from it.

The compound coaching does two things simultaneously: it changes the meaning you’ve been giving your struggles, and it builds a concrete plan to retrain your nervous system through new actions and new behaviors. Perception shift and pattern retraining, working together, not one without the other.

It’s not a program where you learn about identity change.

It’s one where you live it - for twelve weeks, inside a container built specifically for that.

Cohort 2 begins April 10th. Join the waitlist to learn more.

If something in this piece resonated with you, that’s worth paying attention to.

Join the waitlist → The Permission Experiment

“Have you ever worked with anyone as far gone as I am?”

She seemed to grow even smaller as she asked the question. To shrink even further into herself. It’s not a good sign when someone has given up before they begin.

Every call this client would ask that same question. She was completely sure she was worse off than anyone else.

She wanted guarantees before doing the work. She wanted to talk about how bad it was before doing anything. This is a lot like being caught between a rock and a hard place.

That guarantee? It comes from doing the work, not before it.

The Pattern: Smart People, Sophisticated Stalling

We create sophisticated and seemingly logical resistance patterns. Personally, I’ve done it myself. Sometimes I still catch myself leaning toward it.

Instead of diving right into my business and enthusiastically helping people who needed it there was constantly one more course “I needed” and “then I’ll be ready.”

I’m rolling my eyes at myself as I type this. Shaking my head too. It’s all so clear now.

The stall tactics.

Another one is:

“I don’t have time now, it’s just too busy for me to commit.”

Which won’t change. You make time for the things that matter, time doesn’t rearrange itself for you and suddenly offer an opening with a neon sign that says “Now Is The Time.”

Wouldn’t that be nice?

That’s our brain being logical and rationalizing with clever excuses because your nervous system has slammed on the brakes. Your unconscious mind communicates through your body to let you know that no action is the best action right now.

What if this is just another way the unconscious mind has us myopically focusing on what we don’t want?

The closer you look the more it seems like no other options are possible and the list of things that you don’t want is infinite.

You cannot get what you want by focusing on what you don’t want.

That is like planting radish seeds and wondering when strawberries will grow. (Spoiler: they won’t, you’ll get some lovely radishes though.)

All these questions and excuses? The need for guarantees?

It’s really just M.U.D. showing up - Misguided Unconscious Beliefs.

• I tried to change before and it didn’t work. I’m worse off now.

• If I get better, people will demand more from me. And I don’t have enough time as it is.

• What if I fail at this new business? I’ll prove I’m just not good enough just like they said.

The quality of our life is determined by the quality of the stories we’re telling ourselves.

And when you step outside of your story and survive you create a powerful prediction error that causes the unconscious mind to update its expectations.

Why You Can’t Think Your Way Out of This

So your nervous system is predicting that perfection keeps you safe. That’s why you reach for another course.

You want a guarantee; you stall by trying to logically find the solutions.

What needs to happen, and what will help you change even faster, is to create a prediction error. To actually do something different, take a step outside of that nervous system prediction that aims to keep you safe (but is actually keeping you stuck).

The world doesn’t collapse. No one points at you and says you’re not ready, you’re not doing enough.

It took me a while to get there in my business: to launch programs or courses without knowing THE ONE RIGHT WAY in advance, seeing all the steps laid out from here until infinity.

I adopted the phrase “start ugly” and I do. The prediction error that I created was “It’s not perfect and ALL IS WELL.”

What I did was take action, adapt, learn, and grow stronger and more confident for it. (And you can do that too.)

Trying to plan it all perfectly before you move forward is part of the trap. Each time you give in to this trance it convinces you that disaster has been averted, further confirming to need to do this.

The only way to move beyond that story and belief is to take a small step that is in opposition to it, to use what you’ve learned and apply it.

To take the client, do the post, offer the program without this endless list of ‘it needs to be perfect’ or ‘I need just one more course.’

This is how you create a prediction error and update the belief system.

The Modality Hopping Trap

This is embarrassing to admit, but I used to start a book and every time there was an exercise to do, I would skip over it.

I told myself, “I don’t have time for this now” (lie) or “I’ll come back to this later” (bigger lie).

Sometimes I’d feel uncomfortable and distract myself.

Next time I picked up the book I would move on.

I read book after book, never actually doing any of the exercises. I could brag of reading all these books and quote bits from my collection of “shelf knowledge.”

And it was all useless because I applied nothing in the real world.

One day, I stopped skipping the exercises and I started doing the work. Answering the questions.

I learned I don’t need to know more, read more, listen more to answer a question about me. I’m already the expert on me, anyway.

Many clients have come to me doing the same thing. Except instead of books it is modalities. They will say they “know” this modality, but they haven’t applied it, or done the work for very long or with any degree of consistency. A lot like I had done with my earlier reading habit.

Do you know anyone like that? They know 15 different change work modalities, they are still stuck today, and are even now looking for the next modality?

What Actually Has to Happen First

Cassie wanted more connection and belonging in her life.

She felt like she was in the dark while everyone else was in the light.

Her first thoughts as we began working together seemed very logical:

“I just need to understand what’s really happening.”

“I want to make sure I’m not overreacting.”

“Before I change anything, I need the full picture.”

Perfectly reasonable, right?

But it was camouflage. A smoke screen for an unwritten rule Cassie had been living under:

“If I create connection, that’s schmoozing.”

And schmoozing was not allowed. It went against the family code.

The Lightbulb Moment

Back in the present, she kept saying:

“I just don’t have the right words.”

It sounded practical. Social. Harmless.

But when we slowed it down, she realized:

• If I say the wrong thing, I will be excluded.

• If I initiate, I might be seen as manipulative.

• If I step forward, I could lose belonging.

Her entire “I need to think this through” stance wasn’t caution, it was how she survived based on unconscious predictions.

Recognizing the pattern is an important prelude to the 3Rs…

R1: Rewrite the Memory

First, we had to rewrite the story. Not the facts, the meaning she’d attached to them.

The family code that said “initiating connection = schmoozing = morally wrong” wasn’t objective truth. It was one interpretation, a perception formed at a time when young Cassie was trying to make sense of complex family dynamics.

We revisited those early memories where she’d learned this rule. We updated what they meant. Connection wasn’t manipulation. Reaching out wasn’t scheming. Those were her family’s fears and projections, not an unchangeable law of the universe.

This shifted her perception. Suddenly “I don’t have the right words” wasn’t a skill deficit, it was a protection mechanism.

R2: Rewire the Emotional Pattern

But knowing this intellectually wasn’t enough. Her body still had the instant response: initiate = danger.

That freeze when someone new walked into a room. The urge to wait for others to speak first. The physical contraction when she thought about texting someone without being texted first.

So we created a vivid mental rehearsal. She imagined stepping forward. Speaking first. Hugging someone hello. Smiling openly.

In her mind, she practiced until her nervous system registered:

“Life is one big group hug.”

A sentence that did not exist in her system before.

The world didn’t end in her imagination. No one shamed her. No moral collapse followed. Her body softened.

This was the prediction error that allowed a lifetime of belief and caution to collapse and reassemble.

R3: Retrain the Nervous System

Then came the real-time practice. Small steps. Baby steps.

Cassie began:

• Texting without waiting to be texted first

• Expressing appreciation without rehearsing for hours

• Making and holding eye contact

• Initiating small talk

Each time she did this, her nervous system got new data:

“I initiated. I’m still safe. I still belong.”

The permission-seeking questions faded:

• “Am I doing this right?”

• “Do you think I should...?”

• “What if they think I’m...?”

She stopped needing the full plan. The practical problems she thought she had to solve before moving? They dissolved.

Because once her nervous system stopped defending against predicted exclusion, connection became natural.

This is the same process I use on myself.

Every time I post on Substack without the “perfect formula,” I’m creating a prediction error.

My nervous system expected catastrophe: silence, judgment, proof that I’m not ready.

Instead? Engagement. Connection. People saying “this helped me.”

Small steps. Real-time updates. A nervous system that learns: “I can be visible and still be safe.”

The Question That Actually Moves You Forward

So instead of asking, “Have you ever worked with anyone as bad off as I am?” you might ask, “What catastrophe am I trying to prevent by staying stuck and not trying this new thing?”

And your mind will answer. It will let you know where that came from. Maybe even how old you were when you came up with that decision; the M.U.D. - misguided unconscious decisions.

From there you can move forward with your eyes open because you’ve broken one of those trances.

Your Invitation

In The Permission Experiment, we work through all three Rs:

• We rewrite your stories through memory reconsolidation and story circles.

• We rewire your emotional holding patterns through breath enhanced emotional processing.

• We retrain your nervous system through compound coaching.

When you stop asking protection questions and start updating predictions, the practical answers you thought you needed become obvious. The path forward becomes clear.

The next cohort begins in April.

Get on the waitlist here: The Permission Experiment

My M.U.D. (misguided unconscious decisions) formed when I didn’t know how to process or respond to painful life events.

My instincts were based on this M.U.D.

Those instincts lived in my gut. It cautioned me to stay the same, to embrace the ‘safe’ familiarity time and time again.

We can recognize our M.U.D. through:

• Repeating obstacles

• Stuck emotions

• Recurring patterns

Wanting to break free of the repeating obstacles, stuck emotions, and recurring patterns I…

• left relationships believing it would solve the issue and be different next time. (It wasn’t).

• bought self-help books in search of the magic answer. (It wasn’t in those books).

• moved cross-country, from Long Island to Las Vegas, to change my life. Surely this was the answer. (It wasn’t. In fact, life got worse.)

Turns out I took my M.U.D. along with me, like an invisible pack strapped to my back.

I brought my story of me into all my relationships.

M.U.D. distorted the lens I read those books through.

And of course, that back pack went along with me on my cross-country move to Las Vegas.

Thankfully, I’m persistent.

I kept trying, throwing pasta at the wall until something stuck.

And a couple of things did, like Emotional Freedom Technique, FasterEFT, Hypnosis, and Havening.

These tools supported me in rewriting my past.

Though it was a great start, and I finally began gaining traction in changing who I thought I was based on all that M.U.D., it wasn’t enough.

I was still dancing with repeating obstacles, stuck emotions, and recurring patterns like a marionette.

This told me something was missing.

Being persistent pays off, though.

Now I’m gaining my freedom from years of unconscious M.U.D. through the 3Rs:

• Rewrite the stories

• Rewire the emotional holding patterns

• Retrain my nervous system

Taking ownership of my stories and how I tell them to myself and others, I forever change my perception.

Rewiring my emotional holding patterns changes my responses to life events.

Retraining my nervous system allows me to experience safeness over anxiety.

And best of all, because I see myself differently, I am different.

This cumulative process and transformation is building a new structure within my heart. It is intuition.

Earned intuition paves the way for:

• Synchronicities

• Serendipities

• Opportunites

Synchronicities, serendipities, and opportunities were always there. I could not see them, or feel them, because my M.U.D. obscured them.

Consider your life.

What are the repeating obstacles, stuck emotions, and recurring patterns that drive it?

What stories do you tell yourself about them?

If you’re ready to stop dancing with the same patterns like a marionette - if you’re done moving cities, ending relationships, or buying books hoping this will be different - I’d love to invite you to Collateral Changes.

It’s a monthly workshop where we work with the first part of the 3Rs: rewriting the memories and stories that contributed to our M.U.D.

Because intuition isn’t found in a book or a new zip code. It’s earned through the work of transformation.

Collateral Changes is Saturday, February 21st at 9:30 am. I would love to see you there!

Find out more here: Collateral Changes

Subscribe now

My friend’s husband hurt his knee working on a fence. He felt it pop and the pain that followed told him something was injured.

The pain was extreme. He couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t work. Couldn’t do much around the house. Couldn’t walk.

The doctor said he needed surgery, but couldn’t schedule it for three months. My friend asked if I’d work with her husband to see if we could reduce the pain while he waited.

She’s had several sessions with me and experienced positive shifts, so she’s admittedly biased toward this work. He, however, was not open to it initially.

When I went over to chat in August, he was clear: “I know it’s real pain. I know it happened. The doctor confirmed it. There’s nothing that can change that.”

I didn’t push. I never do. I’m not going to try and convince someone of something different than what they’ve convinced themselves of. If someone’s open to working with what’s happening in their mind, I have the tools, but I won'’t force them.

Time passed. Three months. He had the surgery.

Two months post-op, my friend asked again: “Would you please work with my husband? He still can’t sleep. He’s in so much pain.”

He was open now. I went over that weekend.

What was happening after surgery:

• His skin couldn’t be touched - no sheets, no clothing on that knee without an angry, non-stop sensation

• He felt limited in function, not progressing as he should, like it was getting worse

• An identity belief: “I’ve never been flexible” based on memories of barely touching his toes in fitness tests

• Fear of putting any weight on the knee or kneeling down - he’d needed a pillow, couldn’t do work tasks that required kneeling (afraid he never would again)

• A core belief: “I can’t do it. It will implode on me.”

Underpinning all of it was fear and stress as the family’s breadwinner - the terror he’d lose his job because he felt so limited at work. That fear became anchored to the pain.

We worked with everything his mind was producing. Because it is a production. We don’t realize we’re constantly predicting what will happen next when it comes to pain. We’re looking for it.

We worked through the resources in his mind:

• The sheets touching - until that was fine in his mind

• Jeans touching - until that was fine in his mind

• Then I had him touch his skin. It felt fine.

We tackled the emotions around flexion. The PT exercises. The feeling it wasn’t happening fast enough. We use “should” to apply all kinds of unhelpful internal pressure. And there was fear - fear the knee wouldn’t ever work the same way again. Fear he’d lose his job.

That was like a dam breaking. A tsunami of bottled-up emotions poured out. His relaxation after was profound.

In his mind, he saw something new. Instead of being stuck at 110º of flexion, he was breezing beyond that to 150º.

Last, we cleaned up everything he was rehearsing about putting pressure on that knee. Kneeling down. The need for a pillow. Being able to get up from the floor again. More fear and stress driving the pain and sleeplessness came out.

The result: He slept great that night and has ever since. The skin is no longer sensitive. His stress is greatly reduced and, as a result, so is the lingering pain.

Pain isn’t always about an event. Sometimes it’s a response to what we’re practicing inside. And we can learn to practice something new.

This is what’s possible when you learn to work with your mind instead of against it.

We all have stress. We all have worries. What we do with it is what matters.

Love Your Stress Away is a mini-course that teaches you to empty your stress bucket - the monthly maintenance practice that creates space for deeper transformation.

2 hours of learning you can revisit anytime. $27.

Enroll here: Love Your Stress Away

“It’s all I’ve ever known, so it’s familiar.”

That’s the language of an old identity holding on like a rock climber 100 feet into an ascent; white-knuckled, terrified to let go even when the ground is right beneath them.

Sharon had nearly reconsolidated an old medical trauma memory that made trips to the emergency room panic-attack inducing. Just as the change was happening, her nervous system sent up a flare: a twinge in her stomach. The old identity trying to claw back the familiar story.

The Catastrophic Rehearsal

During her recent ER visit, Sharon found herself catastrophizing an already stressful situation, but not on purpose. Your brain is always predicting what will come next based on its own unique variety of M.U.D. (Misguided Unconscious Decisions).

Sharon’s M.U.D. said: “My mom is going to die. My husband is going to die. I will be all alone. I will have a panic attack and no one will be able to help me.”

She made that decision in the emergency room, while a nurse dismissed her symptoms and a doctor waved his hand at her lived experience.

I’m sure you can imagine how the rest of that hospital visit went…

The Identity Protection Question

Back in session, working on that memory, the twinge showed up again. “No, this is all I’ve ever known.”

We paused. I asked Sharon to ask herself: “What identity am I protecting here?”

She connected with the little 5-year-old girl who needed these patterns to survive.

That old story? No different than an outfit she outgrew decades ago.

Recognizing this in real-time was the final piece in reconsolidating that bit of M.U.D. Acknowledging the past while adding new context, that’s what creates lasting change.

Not fighting it. Not forcing it away. Just updating the operating system.

From “Bad Nurse” to “Confused Nurse”

Here’s where it gets interesting.

If I decide someone is “bad” before I even engage with them, that experience is already painted with a certain brush. As Sharon’s M.U.D. washed away through memory releasing, so did this “bad nurse” lens.

“Bad nurse” became “confused nurse” - someone Sharon proceeded to pray for.

This shift was incredibly touching to witness. Not because it was “nice” or “spiritual,” but because it demonstrated a fundamental identity update. Sharon wasn’t forcing forgiveness or performing positivity. Her nervous system genuinely re-categorized the threat.

That’s memory reconsolidation.

The Patterns Aren’t the Problem

They were the solution to an old problem.

This is how it works for each of us.

The version of you who learned to catastrophize, who learned to make herself small, who learned that suffering equals safety? She was doing her best with the information she had.

But that outfit doesn’t fit anymore, does it?

If you recognized yourself in Sharon’s story, the catastrophic rehearsals, the “it’s all I’ve ever known” resistance, the identity that’s been protecting something that no longer needs protection, then you’re ready for Collateral Changes.

This isn’t a webinar. It’s not a training. It’s a live 2-hour memory reconsolidation experience where we work with YOUR specific pattern and update the M.U.D. (Misguided Unconscious Decisions) that’s been running the show.

You’ll experience the same process Sharon did: working on a memory, releasing the emotional charge, creating a new imprint that your nervous system can actually accept (not just positive-think your way into).

I’ve been doing this work since 2018, and here’s what I know: One updated memory creates collateral changes everywhere. That’s not a metaphor. That’s how your nervous system works.

Join me Saturday, January 17th at 10:30 a.m. Mountain Time. Find out more here: Collateral Changes

You’ve tried everything.

The planners. The podcasts. The positive affirmations. The new routines. The accountability partners. The therapy.

And for a moment, something shifts. You feel hopeful. You feel like this time will be different.

But then, two weeks later, you’re back. Same patterns. Same exhaustion. Same feeling of failure.

You’re not lazy. You’re not broken. You’re not lacking willpower.

You’re stuck in a trap that most people don’t even know exists.

And I spent 10 years not knowing it either.

The Trap: M.U.D. + L.A.P.

Let me introduce you to two concepts that changed everything for me.

M.U.D.: Misguided Unconscious Decisions.

These are beliefs your nervous system made in childhood, in moments when you were too young, overwhelmed, or under-resourced to process what was happening. They locked in. They hardened like concrete. And now they run your life.

For people-pleasers, the M.U.D. usually sounds like:

• “If I want things, I’m selfish”

• “My job is to make everyone happy”

• “Boundaries mean I don’t love them”

• “My needs don’t matter”

• “Taking up space = rejection”

These aren’t beliefs you chose. They’re survival decisions your nervous system made.

The L.A.P.: the Least Action Pathway.

Your nervous system is efficient. It conserves energy by defaulting to familiar patterns, even if those patterns hurt.

So when your M.U.D. says “My needs don’t matter,” your nervous system doesn’t just believe it. It protects that belief by keeping you on the L.A.P - the path of least resistance.

For people-pleasers, the L.A.P. looks like this:

You start to want something for yourself. Your nervous system flags it as dangerous. So it automatically pulls you back to what feels safe: disappearing into everyone else’s needs.

It’s not a choice. It’s a prediction error correction. Your body is trying to keep you safe by keeping you small.

And every time you default back to the L.A.P., your nervous system collects more evidence that your M.U.D. is true.

“See? You really can’t have your own needs. You really are selfish if you try.”

It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. A loop. A trap.

Why Willpower Doesn’t Work

This is why all those planners and affirmations and routines don’t stick.

They work at the conscious level. But the M.U.D. and L.A.P. work at the nervous system level.

You can’t think your way out of a pattern that formed before you could think.

Affirmations say: “I am worthy. I deserve good things.”

But your nervous system knows you’re lying. Because your M.U.D. says the opposite. And your L.A.P. keeps pulling you back to what’s safe: erasing your needs.

No amount of willpower can compete with that.

Because willpower is a conscious tool. And your nervous system is running an unconscious program.

The Real Reason I Couldn’t Create Lasting Change (For 10 Years)

I’ve been doing memory work with private clients for a decade.

Rewriting traumatic experiences. Processing grief. Releasing emotional charge.

And it helped. People experience tangible relief.

But then they’d slip back. Back into the people-pleasing loop. Back to disappearing. Back to the same exhaustion.

I kept wondering: Why isn’t this sticking?

I realized the missing piece: Memory work alone isn’t enough. You also have to rewire the identity that those memories created.

You can process all your trauma, but if your identity is still “I need to make everyone happy,” your nervous system will keep manifesting evidence that’s true.

You can release the emotional charge from a memory, but if your nervous system still believes “wanting things is dangerous,” you’ll keep choosing everyone else’s needs first.

The missing piece was identity conditioning.

Not just cleaning up the past. But rebuilding who you are in the present.

Not just processing memories. But rewiring your nervous system so the easy path (the L.A.P.) leads toward freedom instead of self-erasure.

What Actually Changes Things

Real, lasting change happens when three things align:

1. You rewrite your M.U.D.

You map the beliefs that have been running your life. You understand where they came from. And you consciously choose new ones.

Not through positive thinking. Through nervous system work that makes the new beliefs feel true.

2. You update your L.A.P.

You retrain your nervous system so the path of least resistance leads somewhere different.

Instead of defaulting to people-pleasing, your nervous system defaults to self-care.

Instead of flagging boundaries as dangerous, it flags them as safe.

Instead of pulling you back to self-erasure, it pulls you toward authenticity.

3. You do it in community.

Because change is harder alone. And faster with witnesses.

When you’re in a group of people doing the same work, something shifts. You feel less alone. You see yourself in their stories. You celebrate their wins. You’re held through your struggles.

And that accelerates everything.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

Meet Nesta.

She came to me stuck in a trance: “I’m not ready. I’ll wait.”

Overthinking everything. Paralyzed by self-doubt. Watching “later” turn into “never.”

Her M.U.D. was rooted in trauma - a miscarriage during COVID, childhood wounds, fear around life and intimacy.

So we didn’t try to motivate her. We didn’t add more discipline.

We rewrote her nervous system.

We mapped the memories that built the “I’m not ready” pattern. We released the emotional charge. We retrained her brain to expect safety instead of loss.

By week 12, her identity had shifted.

Self-talk: “What do I have to lose?” → “What do I have to gain?”

Behavior: Sent avoided invoices. Created an “I’m Ready” screensaver. Started moving her body without guilt.

Nervous system: Anxiety became autonomy.

That’s what happens when you work at the identity level. Not fixing behavior. Becoming someone new.

The Permission Experiment

This is what I’ve been building toward.

A 12-week small-group coaching container that combines everything I’ve learned:

• Memory work (rewriting M.U.D.)

• Nervous system reconditioning (updating L.A.P.)

• Identity reframing (becoming someone new)

• Community accountability (doing it together)

It’s not therapy. It’s not mindset work. It’s identity conditioning.

And it works because it addresses the actual problem: not your willpower, not your habits, but the nervous system program running underneath everything.

The Question

Where will you be 12 weeks from now if you keep doing what you’ve been doing?

Still looping? Still exhausted? Still disappearing?

Or...

What if you committed to identity-level change?

What if 12 weeks from now, you simply were the kind of person who no longer needed to people-please?

Not because you’re trying harder. But because your identity shifted. Because your nervous system learned something new. Because you gave yourself permission.

That’s possible.

That’s The Permission Experiment.

Next group begins starts in April.

DM me to learn more.

Why Most Change Fails Before It Begins

For a long time, I went about changing my life backward. Or bass-ackwards, as my family liked to call it.

Most people do.

Think about New Year’s resolutions. A handful of behaviors chosen with the best intentions, then quietly abandoned before the ink is even dry.

Change Needs Roots, Not Willpower

Change is a lot like planting a seed. A seed needs soil, water, and sunlight to grow.

Set it on the counter and nothing happens.

Real change works the same way. To help any change grow roots, it has to be planted at the identity level first.

Habits Don’t Create Identity. Identity Creates Habits.

Habits and behaviors don’t create who we are. They grow out of who we believe we are.

And unless that belief changes, new habits tend to wither and die. Not because we’re lazy or undisciplined, but because the soil isn’t right.

When an Identity Becomes a “Fact”

I used to think I was bad with money.

That belief followed me well into my 40s. Not because it was true, but because my nervous system treated it like a fact.

It was a prediction built from childhood M.U.D. (Misguided Unconscious Beliefs) held inside an outdated FRAME.

And I had a lot of it. (Spoiler alert: we all do.)

How Beliefs Are Installed Early

My mom often said, “You can’t be trusted with money”, and if someone repeats something often enough (especially our caretakers), you’ll eventually believe it and then it becomes an identity.

Two Children, Two Stories, Two Meanings

When I was sixteen, I got my first job doing accounts payable at the electronics company where my dad worked.

I was thrilled to receive my first paycheck.

My mom snatched it out of my hand. And every paycheck after that.

“You can’t be trusted with money,” she said.

So, my paychecks went into this account my mom opened and managed. She said she was doing it for me, but what I was learning was a solid foundation in “I’m just bad with money.”

More M.U.D.

Meaning Is Where the Damage Happens

My sister was learning something different.

When she felt depressed, my mom gave her a credit card.

“Go buy yourself something nice. You’ll feel better.”

Same household. Same parent. Completely different meanings.

The story I built became:

I’m not worthy of the credit card. Spending money makes you feel better.

Big time M.U.D.!

Beliefs Always Prove Themselves Right

That belief system did exactly what belief systems do.

It created debt. A lot of it.

Confirmation bias at its finest.

Why “Good Systems” Still Fail

In my late 30s, I decided I’d had enough.

I found Dave Ramsey’s snowball method and thought, This is it.

Simple rules. Clear steps. Debt-free, here I come.

There was just one problem.

My identity didn’t support financial peace.

When Change Feels Like a Threat

• Tracking money.

• No new spending.

• Following new rules.

To my nervous system, this wasn’t an improvement. It felt dangerous.

“What do you mean we can’t buy things to feel better? You know you’re bad with money. You’re going to mess this up.”

Why Familiar Feels Safer Than Better

What I didn’t know then, but I know now, is this:

The mind flags familiar as safe and unfamiliar as unsafe.

Not good versus bad. Known versus unknown.

My ‘known’ was a lot of M.U.D. piled higher and deeper, and it directly conflicted with financial peace.

In fact, these new habits of tracking money and paying off debt coupled with not spending were a dangerous prediction error.

You probably see the writing on the wall as you read this, no doubt much faster than I did then.

Naturally, all my new habits crashed and burned. Which, of course, reinforced the belief, “I’m not good with money.”

Why Beliefs Don’t Change Until the FRAME Changes

I didn’t understand back then that beliefs don’t exist in isolation. They live inside a frame.

A belief is never just a thought. It’s held in place by memory, biology, values, and efficiency.

I now think of this as the FRAME that holds an identity in place:

F — Formative Unmet Needs
Early experiences shape what feels safe, possible, or off-limits.

R — Relational & Ancestral Residue
Some patterns aren’t learned directly. They’re absorbed, modeled, or inherited.

A — Aligned Value Conflicts
Part of me wanted financial freedom. Another part believed spending was how you felt better. Both values mattered. They just weren’t aligned.

M — Mammalian Fear of the Unknown
My nervous system preferred the familiar story “I’m bad with money” over the uncertainty of rewriting it.

E — Efficiency-Based Autopilot
The brain conserves energy by repeating known patterns, even painful ones.

No amount of budgeting advice could compete with that FRAME.

The new habits and behaviors didn’t stand a chance when my unconscious reacted like a salted snail. They were in direct conflict with my memories and identity, and this is a threat.

And on it went, wanting change, looking for the perfect system or habits to create change, crashing and burning, and reinforcing the identity-level beliefs.

It was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

My personal Groundhog Day.

Cleaning Up the Past Creates a New Prediction

What finally changed things wasn’t a better budget. It was cleaning up my memories.

Updating the meaning my nervous system was still using to predict the future.

When I could feel safe managing money, my identity was updated. That created a prediction error.

And everything shifted.

When Identity Changes, Behavior Follows

I could finally see that my mom was acting from her own fear.

There was no original proof I was bad with money, it was just projection. As that understanding landed in my body, the old mantra dissolved.

“I’m not good with money” no longer fit.

Lasting Change Starts Where Meaning Lives

As my identity changed, my behavior followed. I became a woman who:

• uses tools to manage her money.

• has a plan of action.

• trusts herself with money.

Real change doesn’t happen at the behavior level. It happens when the FRAME holding an identity updates.

We don’t break beliefs. We loosen up our M.U.D. and update the FRAME they’re living in.

Ready to Update Your FRAME?

The best habits, behaviors, or plans won’t grow and thrive until your FRAME aligns with them.

To create change that lasts, release your M.U.D. and update your FRAME.

PS: If you’re ready to stop repeating self-fulfilling prophecies and work at the level where real change grows roots, explore The Permission Experiment.

This is where beliefs update, not through force, but through safety.

Spots are limited… don’t wait!

The Trance of “I’ll Wait”

Nesta (name and details altered for privacy; shared with permission) lived in a trance called “I’m going to wait.”

Wait to start.

Wait to decide.

Wait to feel safe enough to take action.

Then one question flipped the old script: What do I have to gain?

Action followed.

Nesta’s daily thoughts were occupied with overthinking and assuming the worst. Daily group texts with family on WhatsApp triggered strong feelings around money and family dynamics.

She was juggling years of job resentments; she felt filled with grief due to loss and medical trauma. A core program: “I’m not ready / I’ll wait” was permeating her health choices, family-planning decisions, and everyday goals.

This emotional burden told a physical story as well. She woke up exhausted and depleted. She was tired of life and work, easily frustrated with family and coworkers as those stored emotions spilled over.

She craved calm, patience, purpose, and loving connection.

When ‘Later’ Turns Into ‘Never’

Nesta came to me because she realized “later” was actually becoming “never.”

Caught in a daily loop of self-doubt she felt paralyzed and unable to move forward.

Added to that were a mountain of frustrated and fearful feelings about all the lost time.

With all these stressful emotions it was becoming harder to avoid the COVID-era losses she didn’t want to think about: her miscarriage and the isolation that compounded it due to COVID hospital policies.

How Change Really Sticks

I guide clients through memory reconsolidation, and I see the same pattern again and again: how we do one thing is how we do everything. We recycle memories, and the patterns they taught us, across life.

I’ve found it to be incredibly true because we recycle memories and end up repeating the patterns they hold throughout different parts of life.

Nesta’s “I’m not ready / I’m going to wait” trance was showing up in the certification she started years ago and wasn’t moving forward with, a cleanse she was “waiting” to start, it was showing up in work, and in her relationships too.

Mapping the Pattern (M.U.D. and More)

Together, we mapped how the ‘I’m going to wait’ pattern was built: the memories, feelings, sensations, emotions, and her unique M.U.D. (misguided unconscious decisions).

She had over a dozen specific and vivid memories filled with emotional charge. Each one felt overwhelming to Nesta.

Across three two-hour sessions (Oct 23–Nov 5), Nesta and I washed away her M.U.D with memory reimprinting.

Three Core Memories We Rewrote

The top three memories we addressed were: a miscarriage in 2020 (and the fear it might happen again), the isolation of that Christmas due to COVID policies, and a history of childhood sexual abuse that hardened fear around life and intimacy.

Here’s why that matters: when we safely reactivate a painful memory and pair it with a real experience of safety, the brain ‘resaves’ the file.

This is memory reconsolidation, and after a memory is reconsolidated future triggers lose their charge.

With each memory, we released the intense emotions, rewrote M.U.D., rewired emotional holding patterns, and retrained Nesta’s nervous system.

The result: Nesta is free from re-experiencing those old triggers in the future.

Practice Between Sessions

In between each session Nesta named the patterns as they came up and challenged them in real time. Each time Nesta did this she was rewriting, rewiring, and retraining herself.

Each night, she played a short, personalized audio before bed. That brief rehearsal consolidated our session gains and biased her brain toward the outcomes she wanted.

Her self-talk began to evolve as “What do I have to lose?” evolved to “What do I have to gain?”

Frustration and annoyance faded as gratitude for her life and husband filled her consciousness.

She adopted my formula to 10X her gratitude practice: I’m grateful for ________, because ________. How does it get even better than this? Wouldn’t it be great if ________?

This simple practice trains a bias toward positive expectancy.

Proof in Daily Life

In between sessions the real proof of change began showing up.

Nesta sent long-avoided insurance invoices; she made an ‘I’m Ready’ phone screensaver. A visible identity shift.

One of Nesta’s long term coping mechanisms underwent a radical change as well.

Stress-hunger dropped from ‘nonstop grazing’ to ‘not hungry’ during two high-stress moments this week.

Nesta was taking more emotional power and control during the day. She began to identify and interrupt overthinking using tapping and addressed her M.U.D. in real time.

Identity Shift: ‘I’m Ready’

With these actions, anxiety became autonomy. Nesta’s identity shift from “I need to wait” to “I’m ready” is rocket fuel for new behaviors.

Part of these changes is the result of reducing stress. I remind my clients of the importance of emptying their stress bucket daily, because high stress puts tunnel vision in the driver’s seat and your best options in the back. That’s not a fun way to drive.

By emptying her stress bucket every day, Nesta created a friction-free exercise plan: schedule it, dress for it, go for it. ‘I don’t know what to do’ became ‘I have a plan.’

Simply by creating space and a plan the old “I don’t know what to do” becomes “I have a plan.”

Try This Next

How can you apply this to your life?

“When we change what a memory means, the body stops bracing for the past.”

Name it and claim it. Write your most common put-it-off phrase and three places it shows up.

Upgrade your question. Swap ‘What do I have to lose?’ for ‘What do I have to gain?’ Put it on a sticky note.

Get a gratitude groove. “I’m grateful for __________, because __________. → How does it get even better than this? → Wouldn’t it be great if __________?”

Claim your calm. Pick a happy micro-memory; relive it with all five senses. Take a deep breath in, let it out, squeeze your wrist, say “Peace.”

Empty your stress bucket. Rate it 0–10 daily. Use tapping and/or Havening Touch to drain it. (Resources: Faster Changes with Nicola.)

‘Later’ used to mean ‘never.’ Now it means ‘next.’

Make ‘Later’ Become ‘Next’

Are you ready to make your ‘later’ become ‘next’?

Start with my free Quantum Repatterning Journey: a short guided reset to calm your nervous system and focus your mind.

If you love how grounded you feel, the Golden Light Series builds on it with five soothing audios that train your unconscious to expect peace, confidence, and better choices - on repeat.

Reset and Calm Your Nervous System Now

The Thought Spiral That Keeps You Stuck

You were never meant to live in survival mode, but when your mind keeps scanning for danger, it’s like living with one foot on the gas and the other on the brake at the same time.

Imagine waking up each morning already exhausted, your mind hitting play on everything going wrong before you’ve even had a say.

Some of you don’t have to imagine that, because this is every day that ends in “y” for you.

Your mind races with stressful thoughts before you even pull the covers back.

All the things you don’t want in your day.

• You don’t want debt.

• You don’t want another fight with your spouse.

• You don’t want your stomach to hurt.

• You don’t want to wake up exhausted.

• You don’t want to live in a constant state of stress.

Sound familiar?

Maybe your stressful thoughts are of a different flavor, but they are still not easing you into a great day, are they?

I know this well because once upon a time it was me and my own ‘less than greatest hits’.

When You Can’t See What You Want

When I start working with a new client, I ask them, “What do you want?”

And more often than not, they struggle to answer.

Because all they can see, hear, and feel are the things they don’t want. Their mind has been rehearsing the negative for so long that imagining a different future or possibility feels impossible.

But here’s the thing, they are stuck in a habit loop not unlike a broken record.

How the Brain Rehearses Familiar Pain

In order to improve this habit loop you need to break the trance you’re in and choose new coordinates.

Think about driving somewhere for the first time, a new city, an unfamiliar location.

Yesterday I drove to Twin Falls. I drive there all the time, but this time I was going to a new meat processing place to pick up a quarter cow.

I had no idea where I was going and I needed to use Google Maps.

When I opened my Google Maps, I didn’t type in the location I didn’t want.

I didn’t add:

• “I don’t want to go to Costco.”

• “I don’t want to go to the mall.”

• “I don’t want to go to Fred Meyer.”

If I enter anything other than where I want to go, I end up stuck or lost.

Which is exactly where many of my clients feel they are when they come to work with me.

Your Unconscious Mind Takes Orders So Be Specific

Yet, this is exactly how most people approach their lives. By constantly focusing on what they fear or do not want, they unknowingly program their unconscious mind to recreate the same patterns over and over.

What about going out to dinner?

Picture yourself at your favorite restaurant. The waiter asks what you’d like, and you say:

“I don’t want the Caesar salad.”
“I don’t want the cheeseburger.”
“I don’t want the babyback ribs.”

The waiter stares at you, waiting. Because you haven’t actually ordered anything. In fact you’re wasting the waiter’s time and your own.

Just like ordering a meal or setting a destination in Google Maps, creating your ideal life requires knowing where you’re going and what you want, not just what you’re avoiding.

Reprogram Your Inner GPS

So here’s your challenge:

Instead of thinking about what you don’t want, start defining what you do want.

The goal is to make your vision so clear and detailed that your brain starts recognizing the new destination as familiar.

Ask yourself:

• What can I see in my ideal future?

• What can I hear?

• What can I feel?

• What can I smell?

• What can I taste?

The more vividly you picture it, using as many of your five senses, the more natural it will feel.

And then one day, when you arrive, it won’t be surprising at all.

It will feel like Déjà vu. Surreal. You know it’s new, but it feels so familiar!

A Real-Life Repatterning in Action

One client I worked with wanted to visit one of her children who lived roughly a two day drive away.

For a long time she successfully prevented herself from making this trip by focusing on all she didn’t want with catastrophic what-ifs.

• What if I can’t get my headache medication there?

• What if my granddaughter plays the TV too loud or picks shows I don’t want?

• What if I get a headache?

• What if I want to go home and don’t feel well enough to drive?

On and on it went. The brain can churn up an infinite amount of “don’t want.”

After we released all the emotional charge on these memories and predictions and created a compelling picture of what she did want it seemed like everything fell into place.

She was able to go on this trip, have a great time, and her pharmacist sent her with enough medication for the entire trip, which she didn’t even need.

All those issues were figments of her hypervigilant mind.

When your mind is hypervigilant it’s a lot like putting on horse blinders. You see only the unwanted possibilities before you.

The truth is, you can’t think your way out of a body that feels unsafe. Most people try, but understanding why you feel a certain way doesn’t change anything.

Your memories give you identity. Your mind works by pattern matching and interpreting present events through the lens of past experiences.

We move from trance to trance, unaware it’s even happening.

This is why it is so important to interrupt the trance and destress.

When you’re calm, you make clearer decisions.

When you’re tense, your brain loops the old stories.

That’s why soothing the body first changes everything.

Release Resistance Before You Redirect

Destress before you decide.

First, soothe the overactive nervous system. If you’ve been reading my posts for a bit you’ll know I favor these modalities to do so:

• FasterEFT by Robert Smith

• Havening Touch by Doctors Ruden

• BodyMind Release by Harry Pickens

But there are many ways you can do this.

One daily strategy I teach my clients is to assess and empty their metaphoric stress bucket every day.

What happens to a bucket that’s too full? That’s right: it overflows.

When your metaphoric stress bucket overflows you snap at the people you want to be patient with.

You make poor choices, like choosing instant over delayed gratification.

You miss out on opportunities, possibilities, and solutions because you’re wearing stress induced horse blinders.

So destress before you decide. Empty the stress bucket.

Your Future Self Is Waiting

Another way I help my clients do this is by creating a thirty day guided visualization that reinforces what they want and who they want to be six months from today.

One of my favorite messages to receive is this kind:

“My health is great and I’m continuing to get stronger at the gym.

We’re going to enjoy several family visits this summer, and we booked a white water river rafting trip in Wisconsin, which is something I have wanted to take Sally (not their real name) on for years.

Everything we worked on has come true. Amazing.

Thank you so very much for all your guidance and support.

Hope you are having a wonderful summer,

-Mike (also not their real name)

Sent from my iPhone”

You get more what you focus on.

Take a breath. Imagine that version of you already living freely.

Your future self is waiting.

What destination will you put in your inner GPS today?

Ready to rewire your thoughts for real?

Start with my free Quantum Repatterning Journey Audio, a short guided process to calm your nervous system and reset your focus.

If you love how grounded and clear you feel afterward, the Golden Light Series builds on it - five soothing audios designed to retrain your unconscious mind to expect peace, confidence, and success.

Your future isn’t waiting for permission, just a new direction.

Start your mental reset here

When I thought something was wrong with me

For a long time, I believed something was wrong with me.

That I just couldn’t get this thing called life right because of it.

I was certain I had some fundamental flaw that kept what I wanted just out of reach.

I thought if I could just find the right technique, the right mindset, or the right affirmation then maybe I’d finally feel whole.

The truth I finally saw

But! What I’ve learned through years of working with clients (and myself) is this:

There’s nothing wrong with me. There never was.

I was more like a car with the emergency brake stuck on: pushing the gas, trying harder, yet never getting anywhere.

It looked like self-sabotage. It wasn’t.

It was my unconscious mind keeping me safely tucked within the familiar.

What felt like procrastination was my nervous system guarding against overwhelm, something it (or I) was highly skilled at producing.

And what I called “being stuck” was nothing more than an old emotional program running quietly in the background.

The patterns that weren’t mine

The real kicker though? None of it was mine, not really.

They were patterns I learned from my conflicted parents, who had their own struggles, and were doing the best they could to survive.

My job wasn’t to fight those parts, to hit the gas harder to try and overcome the hold of the emergency brake.

My job was to release the patterns - to release the brakes completely.

When you release the emotional charge held in memories, your system doesn’t have to keep defending you from figments and fantasies.

You begin to see that your reactions, your patterns, even your pain were never proof of something being wrong with you.

They were proof of survival.

Remembering who you were before the world told you otherwise

That realization changed everything for me.

It’s the foundation of my work now.

I help people remember who they were before the world told them they had to earn their worth.

Before they learned to equate love with performance, or safety with control.

Before they forgot that peace isn’t something to chase or strive for - it’s something to return to.

What healing really means

Healing isn’t about adding more to yourself.

It’s not about better habits (though you may find your habits naturally evolve as your identity does - mine did).

It’s not about striving or trying harder, either.

Healing is about clearing what never belonged to you in the first place. The trance of not-enoughness and the old programming of fear and self-doubt.

When you stop trying to fix yourself and start listening with interest and curiosity, something beautiful happens:

You discover the real you, the one that was there all along.

And that, to me, is freedom.

So, the belief that really drives everything I do is this:

There was never anything wrong with me.

I was simply acting from unconscious, outdated internal references
and those can be updated.

If this resonates, you might love my free Repatterning Audio Journey.

It guides you to release old emotional programs, the same kind of patterns that kept my emergency brake stuck for years, so you can finally move forward with ease.

Get the free Repatterning Journey here

Anxiety isn’t an indicator that something is wrong with you, though it certainly feels that way.

It is your brain protecting you from something it flagged as unsafe as a result of an emotional response during something you experienced in the past.

A Burned Hand, A Screaming Mom

Sometimes it’s making a mistake in context. Such as you burned yourself pretty bad in the kitchen when you were a child. At the very moment you were touching that stove your Mom was screaming at you to protect you and prevent you from being hurt.

Between the pain and response to being screamed at - feeling like you did something wrong - your brain coded this moment in a very specific way.

In that moment it created an event specific biologic marker so that next time you’re in a similar situation your nervous system is equipped to warn you.

Now every time you go into a kitchen you’re filled with anxiety. But it wasn’t the kitchen that caused the pain, it was the hot burner you touched.

When Anxiety Doesn’t Seem to Have a Reason

When you feel like your anxiety doesn’t have a reason it is really more likely that you don’t know what your brain flagged as significant from a past event.

This can feel very frustrating. Like there’s something wrong with you.

Road Trips, Power Lines… and Panic Attacks?

When I was a kid my parents took a lot of road trips. Sunday’s to my grandparents house on the other end of Long Island. Summers we traveled all the way to Florida. Lots of car time.

I didn’t know why then, but when I saw large power lines I would feel incredibly anxious and panicky. I felt like I had to get away, to hide. It was an overwhelming fear that made no logical sense.

Godzilla and the Power Lines

Decades later, after I started using amazing tools called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and FasterEFT, I stopped producing anxiety feelings.

Later, while learning more about the mind in my journey to complete my FasterEFT practitioner training, the reason for my panic at the sight of those power lines suddenly came to me.

The answer goes back to watching TV. My family had a fascination for scary movies. We watched all the old Godzilla movies together.

When I recalled scenes of Godzilla stomping and obliterating those high power lines it became obvious to me why power lines created that sense of impending doom and danger.

Why I felt panicky and like I had to get away.

The Hidden Roots of Daily Anxiety

Maybe for you it’s that look or a comment that instantly creates fight or flight feelings in your body. Or the way you will twist yourself into an emotional pretzel to avoid any hint of conflict because conflict means raised voices and ultimately abandonment.

One incredibly talented woman I worked with woke up feeling intense dread before the day even started because her nervous system was wired to expect something bad to happen. The day was downhill from there.

And a man who adored his family yet when his grandchildren came over he had to go to his room with a blinding headache - their playful squeals of delight and play triggering him so bad that bed was the only solution.

These triggers will continue until you address the implicit memories, probably tucked outside of conscious awareness, and release the triggers once and for all.

Why Avoidance Isn’t the Answer

It’s human to think: maybe if I avoid the trigger, I’ll feel better.

The truth is our trusty brain will find more things to be afraid of, as happened to me.

I know people who are afraid of highways so they don’t use them and take the long way to their destinations. My mom did this and it could be one reason why I learned to avoid things that scare me.

Some fear rejection so greatly they self-reject first by not asking for what they want - ever. I wasted years doing this as well.

But protection isn’t the same thing as peace. Those implicit memories are still inside with their heightened emotions and meaning holding you captive from living the full life you deserve.

I know this because avoiding scary situations was once a way of life for me.

When the anxiety and panic attacks reached their peak in my late 20’s to early 30’s I went through a period where leaving the house and driving a car became impossible for me - alone.

What once filled me with joy and a sense of freedom now felt impossible.

Instead of avoiding you can acknowledge you are feeling triggered. Remind yourself that this is an old response, and get curious.

Ask, “When have I experienced this feeling before?”

When you check-in you might be surprised at the memories that come to mind.

Every Trigger Is a Doorway

Anxiety once felt like a prison I was in. I couldn’t see the bars, but I felt them.

If I had it to do all over I would treat the feelings with curiosity, because this is what our triggers are: they are both an opportunity and a doorway to change.

If we choose to look within rather than avoiding them. There is a way to meet them with the appropriate tools and dismantle the memories.

This is the work I love - helping people like you uncover the implicit memories driving today’s anxiety.

Anxiety doesn’t have to be your forever story.

If you’d like to explore a gentle way out, consider speaking one on one with me over Zoom.

We will:

• Uncover the core emotional patterns that keep looping in your life

• Clarify how those patterns are impacting your confidence, energy, and relationships

• Map out the next steps to break free and see if my 6-month transformation program is the right fit for you

Think of it as a powerful clarity session: the first step toward excavating yourself from the invisible prison of past wounds and beginning to architect the extraordinary life you’re meant to live.

(Note: This is a strategic consultation, not a therapy session. Come prepared to explore what’s possible if you choose to invest in your transformation.)

I Want My Breakthrough

Life's too short to let your past dictate your future.

Most gratitude practices become mindless routines. You know the drill: list three things you’re grateful for, check the box, move on.

But what if I told you two small tweaks could transform your practice from mechanical to magnetic?

Why Gratitude Matters (And Why Most People Get It Wrong)

First, let’s talk about why we even need a gratitude practice.

Our minds are wired for survival.

They’re constantly scanning for problems, threats, and what could go wrong. When we’re under chronic stress, this gets amplified - our brains get stuck in hyper-vigilance and threat detection mode.

A gratitude practice does something profound: it plants a seed to scan for the good.

Instead of “What’s wrong? What’s the threat? What needs fixing?” your mind starts asking “What’s working? What’s right? What feels good?”

But here’s the problem I discovered: gratitude without depth becomes just another task.

I realized was going through the motions, listing surface-level things without really feeling anything. My practice felt empty, like I was reading from a script instead of connecting with genuine appreciation.

I wasn’t actually rewiring anything. I was just checking a box. Gratitude, check. ✅

The Game-Changing Formula

Now I use this simple two-part structure that’s revolutionized everything:

“I’m grateful for [X] because [Y]. Wouldn’t it be great if [Z]?”

Let me break down why this works so powerfully!

Part 1: The “Because” - Connecting to Your Why

Instead of just saying “I’m grateful for my health,” I dig deeper: “I’m grateful for my health because it allows me to wake up each morning with energy to pursue what matters most to me.”

The magic happens in the “because.” This connects you to the deeper meaning underneath your gratitude. It moves you from surface acknowledgment to genuine feeling. You’re not just checking a box, you’re connecting with the actual impact this thing has on your life.

The ‘why' behind what you’re grateful for.

Part 2: The “Wouldn’t it be great if” - Bridging to Possibility

Here’s where it gets interesting. After feeling that deep gratitude, I seamlessly transition into possibility: “Wouldn’t it be great if I could maintain this level of energy and strength for decades to come?”

This isn’t about wanting more or being unsatisfied.

It’s about taking those positive feelings and extending them into the future.

You’re using the momentum of gratitude to connect with new possibilities, making them feel available and real right now.

Why This Works So Well

This approach does three powerful things:

1. Deepens the feeling - The “because” takes you beyond surface-level appreciation.

2. Expands the moment - You’re not just grateful for what is, you’re now connected to what’s possible.

3. Creates momentum - Those positive emotions naturally carry you forward instead of just sitting in the present.

Try It Right Now

Think of something you’re genuinely grateful for, then complete this sentence:

“I’m grateful for _______ because _______. Wouldn’t it be great if _______?”

Notice how different this feels compared to just listing what you’re grateful for. You’re not just acknowledging, you’re connecting, feeling, and expanding.

-----

What would you put in those blanks? I’d love to hear how this shifts your gratitude practice.

The Hidden Cost of Change

All problems share one common thread: grief and loss.

Sure, change can feel exciting — full of fresh starts and new beginnings. But every beginning is born from an ending.

And at the scene of every ending, you’ll find some form of grief and loss.

Sometimes it's obvious — like losing a loved one. Other times, it’s subtle — like the loss of identity after retirement, or the bittersweet shift from summer freedom to the structure of a new school year.

Grief and loss are everywhere because change is everywhere.

My Personal Lessons in Loss

When I moved from Long Island to Las Vegas, I lost my favorite job at the time.
When my mom passed away, I lost the dream of ever repairing our relationship.
When Covid lockdowns swept the world, I lost community, income, a sense of normalcy — even my sense of autonomy.

Loss isn't always about people.
It's also about lost hopes, lost routines, lost pieces of who we thought we were.

But here’s what most of us miss: we don't just experience grief and loss — we produce it.

We are the architects of our emotional experience.
And our focus is the vehicle that drives that experience.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Truth: Life hands us both beauty and pain.
Truth: Change is inevitable.
Truth: The experiences we choose to focus on, replay, and canonize dictate how we feel.

When my beloved dog Sixto died in 2013, I unknowingly traumatized myself by the way I focused my thoughts:

• You should have known something was wrong.

• You should have gone to the vet sooner.

• You should have walked him more.

Each thought became more cutting than the previous.
Each replay reopened the wound.

I built a vivid trauma loop, and I didn’t know then what I know now.

Somewhere along the way, society teaches us that the depth of our grief proves the depth of our love.

I call bullshit.

The amount you grieve often has less to do with love and more to do with how much you torment yourself inside your own mind.

I know, because I lived it.

A Different Choice

When my mother passed during Covid, after years of painful estrangement, I had another opportunity to grieve differently.

This time, I chose intentionally.

Instead of replaying regrets or "should-haves," I focused on the positive memories we did have:

A Christmas shopping trip to Tanger Outlets on a crisp, fall day under a vivid blue sky. Carrying her bags, no one loved Christmas shopping more than my mom.

Driving my mom from Northport, New York to Prosperity, South Carolina to visit my grandmother. Hearing her say, “You’re a very courteous driver, I feel safe with you.” A precious gift.

A rare phone call with mom after I moved to Las Vegas, listening to her observe, “I have two daughters: one is never happy with anything no matter how good things are. The other is happy with little things no matter how bad things are.”

There were others too: her surprise 60th birthday party, our shared love of thunderstorms, lazy afternoons reading, and meals at Greek diners.

Yes, I cried.
Yes, I felt the gut-punch of loss.

But this time, when the first "should" tried to slip in, I caught it.
I shifted.
I chose to build a highlight reel of good memories, not a horror film of regrets.

We Can't Always Choose Change - But We Can Choose Our Response

We don't get to pick every change that knocks at our door.

But we do get to choose how we answer it.

You have the ability to direct your thoughts.
You can decide to remember the best.
You can keep the good parts and let the rest dissolve.

No amount of grief can undo what has already changed.

But how you honor what mattered - that’s still within your power.

Practice Choosing Calm

Sometimes the hardest part of change isn’t the event itself — it’s how we stay stuck in the emotions afterward.

One simple way I stay present and calm — even during painful moments — is by using tapping.

Here’s a 60-second tap-along you can do with me right now:

(Transcript excerpt:)
Feel your fingers, take a breath, and repeat:

*"I release and let go of whatever is left that I've been trading my calm for. I choose calm. I give myself permission to feel calm no matter what's happening around me."

No thinking. No storytelling.
Just feeling.

Notice how much lighter you feel after one minute.

You always have the ability to shift your focus — and your experience.

I love the phrase: "celebration of life."

Celebrate the gifts in your experiences - even the ones that ended.

How to Start Honoring Life, Even in Loss

• Lost a job? Remember what you loved about it - even one or two small things.

• Lost a pet? Relive the moments they made you laugh.

• Lost someone important? Challenge yourself to list twenty-two positive memories. Write them down. Fill them in. Revisit each one with tenderness.

You don't erase pain by ignoring it.
You transform pain by focusing on the meaning and memories worth keeping.

Which Would You Choose?

Ask yourself this:

When you graduate from this life, would you want your loved ones to stay trapped in grief...

Or would you want them to remember the joy, the love, the light you brought into their lives?

I know what I choose.

I honor my life, and the lives of those who mattered to me, by focusing on the gifts they gave, and by choosing to keep their best moments alive inside me.

You can too.

Which memories are you ready to celebrate today?

That was me.

A single sideways comment and my heart was pounding, my stomach tying itself in knots, and I’d replay the comment for hours.

I read the books, listened to the podcasts, gave therapy years of effort, but the same emotional patterns kept running on repeat.

Click. Whir. Stimulus. Response. I couldn’t see a way out.

It wasn’t because I had a “bad picker” in relationships (though I told myself that plenty). It was because my brain and body were running on an old emotional program I didn’t choose. One that had been shaping me and my relationships since my earliest years.

The good news? That program can be rewritten.

Even better news? It doesn’t take years of analysis or endless “mindset work” to do it.

Introduction to the Magic of Meridian Tapping

If you could send a soothing message to your stressed out amygdala and let it know you’re OK in the present moment how might that be useful to you?

While you’re considering my question, let’s time travel back 15 years. I was polishing the cobblestones of my rock bottom singing a ‘woe is me’ tune when an email landed in my inbox from Dr. Mercola.

Opening this email, about something called Emotional Freedom Technique, was the moment my life began to turn around.

Dr. Mercola shared this technique that looked weird. Almost too weird to try, but I was desperate and I had nothing to lose (except daily panic attacks).

So, as I have been known to do, I went all in with Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), also called meridian tapping.

I think of it as Morse code for the amygdala.

The amygdala refers to two almond-shaped structures in the brain and is a part of our limbic system. The amygdala is our threat detection center and back then my threat detection center was working overtime, resulting in daily visits from the panic attack fairy.

The amygdala plays a powerful role in processing our emotions: especially fear and anxiety and that makes communicating with it incredibly useful.

EFT, which I’ll refer to as tapping from here on out, uses a gentle, percussive tapping motion with the fingers of one or both hands on what are called energy meridian points of the body.

This gentle tapping motion paired with the energy meridians creates relaxation in the physical body, interrupting the fight-or-flight response in the amygdala and its release of cortisol and stress hormones.

As these changes happen you’re able to return to whatever the original fear inducing stimulus was while experiencing a sense of calm. This is called ‘depotentiation of emotional arousal’ and it is powerful.

Energy meridians are like energetic communication highways in the body. Maybe you’ve heard of them, most likely related to acupuncture. Same energy meridians, different tools - your fingers rather than needles.

This makes tapping extremely portable and user friendly.

Dr. Mercola’s email was promoting The World Tapping Summit starting the following week. A week felt like a long wait, but it was worth it!

At this point you might be wondering, where did it come from, or like I thought at the time, “Where has this been all my life?”

Where Does Tapping Come From?

Stimulating energy meridians to create healing has been around for five thousand years.

You read that right, five thousand years. Traditional Chinese Medicine began using acupuncture and acupressure to address imbalances and improve energy flow a long time ago.

Tapping is something very old re-presented in a new and user-friendly way.

It began with Dr. Roger Callahan, a psychologist who wanted better results than the traditional therapy model was delivering to his patients.

Dr. Callahan combined the ancient Eastern practice with applied kinesiology and psychotherapy techniques to create Thought Field Therapy.

This is why tapping falls into a category called “Energy Psychology.”

When I was first learning FasterEFT, which I will come to later, I heard the story about Dr. Callahan’s assistant Mary who had a debilitating water phobia that she had been trying to release in therapy for years.

While focusing on the sensation in her body (her stomach) created by thinking of water and simultaneously tapping on the corresponding energy meridian (under the eye) the fear spontaneously dissipated. Gone.

It is interesting to note that when I work with my clients, there often comes a point where we fear releasing our fear. Because we feel like we need it to stay safe.

As I tell my clients, based on the story above, releasing your fear does not make you stupid.

It did not make Mary stupid either, even though she no longer feared water, she knew she could not swim. She was free from being paralyzed with fear and now could think objectively.

Dr. Gary Craig, a student of Dr. Callahan’s, distilled Thought Field Therapy into a streamlined approach he coined Emotional Freedom Technique.

Dr. Callahan used specific algorithms for certain issues, like a recipe. Have anxiety? Use these points. Have a phobia? Use these…

Dr. Craig combined the nine tapping points in one basic recipe so you can basically “use it on anything” as the saying goes.

There’s wisdom in that simple phrase, too.

Because no matter what issue you have, physical or emotional, there is always an emotional component with a belief system, and this influences our outcomes tremendously.

After practicing EFT Tapping for a couple of years, I found FasterEFT, created by Robert Smith. FasterEFT reduced the tapping points down to four and added powerful aspects of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), hypnosis, and Be Set Free Fast (BSFF) to create rapid emotionally focused transformations.

One of the reasons this is so powerful is how Robert Smith incorporates his learnings of how the unconscious mind, and our memories, control our entire system and how to create powerful changes within that system.

One of the reasons FasterEFT resonated with me so much just might stem from growing up in New York.

FasterEFT uses a direct aim and change method with shorter, more concise tapping rounds that match my fast paced way of thinking.

Two years later I certified as a FasterEFT practitioner.

Stop Living as a Shell of Yourself

That exhausting cycle of pushing hard but never feeling satisfied?
The constant background noise of anxiety and self-judgment?
The heavy sense of inadequacy that follows you everywhere?

This doesn’t have to be your forever story.

In a Breakthrough Blueprint Consultation, we’ll:

• Uncover the core emotional patterns that keep looping in your life

• Clarify how those patterns are impacting your confidence, energy, and relationships

• Map out the next steps to break free and see if my 6-month transformation program is the right fit for you

Think of it as a powerful clarity session: the first step toward excavating yourself from the invisible prison of past wounds and beginning to architect the extraordinary life you’re meant to live.

(Note: This is a strategic consultation, not a therapy session. Come prepared to explore what’s possible if you choose to invest in your transformation.)

Get My Breakthrough Blueprint

Let me show you the simple method I use with clients every day. The practice that rewires the old programming at its source.

FasterEFT: A Primer

Let’s break it down into five simple steps:

1. Aim at the Problem

   1. Notice how you know you have a problem: focus on what you see, hear, feel inside you.

2. Tap and De-Fractionate

   1. Change your focus, feel your fingers as you tap on the four tapping points and repeat simple callouts such as “let it go.”

3. Reset and Re-Center

   1. Squeeze your wrist, take a deep breath in, relax it out, and say peace.

4. Focus on What You Want

   1. Think of a happy memory, use all your senses to see it, hear it, feel it (even taste and smell!)

5. Reassess and Notice What’s Changed

   1. Observe what is shifting and repeat the process until you feel really good.

This follows a universal pattern of how all change is created:

• Associate to the problem state.

• Disassociate from the problem state.

• Associate to the resource or target state.

• Collapse the problem.

Robert Smith calls it the Bad-Good Collapse. Mike Mandel and Chris Thompson of The Mike Mandel Hypnosis Academy call it ADAC (Activate, Dissociate, Associate, Collapse). Melissa Tiers, Founder of the Center for Integrative Hypnosis calls it the Meta - Pattern.

No matter what you call it, the result is the same: change and freedom.

The Persistence of Memory

One of my favorite Salvador Dalí paintings is “The Persistence of Memory”

My memories told me who I was and who I could become. And it wasn’t a good picture.

A unique aspect of FasterEFT is the way we address memories.

• Memories are not fixed and permanent, they can be updated and changed.

• Memories are a code of action that tell you how to think, feel, and act outside of conscious awareness and control.

• The quality of your life is determined by the quality of your memories.

• Memories are distorted representations of past events which are over and gone.

As I worked on releasing and reimprinting my own crappy and painful memories, my life began to change for the better.

As I worked with my clients on releasing and reimprinting their own memories, their lives began to change for the better.

In my previous article, The Pattern Interrupt Party: De-Fractionation Explained, I shared how interrupting the trance of memory leads to a tangible shift in how we perceive it.

Fully reimprinting memories is where FasterEFT parts ways with EFT. Instead of tapping a charged event down to a zero, FasterEFT persists until an entirely new and beneficial memory takes shape.

Using a groundbreaking framework called the Six Ways of Reimprinting Memory the memory will look, sound, feel, even taste and smell better.

This is accomplished by addressing all the details of a memory:

• The expressions of all characters.

• Feelings, sensations, and emotions of all characters.

• The action, what’s happening in the memory.

• What’s being said, any sounds and voices.

• Mental images and movies.

• Plus a healing process to integrate the changes.

A Simple Daily Practice You Can Adopt Now

Learning to reimprint a memory takes time. Some are best changed with the guidance of a practitioner. Even so, you can get started using the Mindset Metamorphosis Method, my daily FasterEFT practice to shift into a positive emotional resource. It’s simple and I show you how in this video:

Take Your First Step Toward Lasting Change

If you’re curious to try this work on your own, I’ve created a simple guide that walks you through my daily practice - the Mindset Metamorphosis Method.

Inside you’ll find:

• Step-by-step instructions for a short daily tapping routine

• Flexible aiming questions and phrases to guide your practice

• A progress tracker so you can see your shifts over time

It’s my gift to you. A way to begin calming your inner alarm system and rewiring the patterns that have been keeping you stuck.

Send Me the Free Guide

Remember, the quality of your life is determined by the quality of your memories and emotional responses. By dedicating just a few minutes each day to this practice, you're giving yourself the gift of emotional freedom.

P.S. If you already know you’re ready for deeper transformation, don’t wait. Go here to claim your Breakthrough Blueprint Session and start dissolving the old patterns at their source.

This is the final article in my Four Part Series of my journey to emotional freedom with FasterEFT.

Breaking the Trance: Understanding De-fractionation

The quality of our life is only as good as the quality of our unconscious map of reality. Because the unconscious mind takes our past experiences, organizes them, and expresses them, the past controls our experience of the present.

Our unique experiences and memory imprints lead to forming unique patterns. We are all "trance monkeys" operating from our unconscious resources, and this means it is essential to update any memory imprints that are creating undesirable outcomes.

A core FasterEFT teaching is that there are no broken people, but there are broken belief systems. Looking at everything as a success—that problems are simply undesirable successful outcomes—enables the curiosity necessary to find these patterns, make sense of them in the context they were created, and ultimately upgrade them.

When the Past Controls the Present

I worked with Carmella (not her real name) who suffered from multiple chemical sensitivities, health anxiety, and a paralyzing fear something was going to happen to her family. Her reactions were so extreme that she and her husband were faced with having to sell their home. She simply couldn't live in it. All smells and all rooms led to panic attacks.

Scents were controlling her life. Carmella couldn't go anywhere and she no longer felt safe in her own home.

It bears emphasizing that we are not experiencing the present moment based on the present moment. The present moment is filtered through the unconscious mind's vast blueprint of past experience. This determines how we think, feel, act, and respond to the present.

The entire process happens instantaneously outside of our conscious awareness.

As we tiptoed into Carmella's past, we found it littered with one traumatic experience after another. Physical danger, violence, and darkness triggering unrelenting fear. The child Carmella lived in a near constant state of fight or flight. The child Carmella became hyper-vigilant, always scanning her environment for signs of danger. Carmella's feelings of fear became linked to physical environments, houses, rooms, and finally smells.

And now at even the tiniest whiff of a scent, her unconscious triggered the panic trance of "danger, danger."

We addressed the childhood memories, one at a time, until Carmella was able to live a full life again. She could stay in her home, do laundry, fly on planes, and feel safe in the present moment.

She stopped looking for future catastrophes and was no longer looking for danger in every present day situation.

But how is this possible? How do you break these ingrained patterns?

How Our Mind Creates Reality

When a client comes to me with a problem they want to change, one of the first things I look for is a pattern and memories that support it because they are the blueprint our experiences are filtered through.

Our unconscious is always parsing through all the information and stimuli coming at us. It would be overwhelming to experience it all. The vast amount of sensory information gets deleted, distorted, and generalized to match the blueprint we have of the world and our own self-belief.

Why does this matter? It doesn't, if you believe you're capable of achieving anything you set your mind to, that you're inherently good enough, your relationships are thriving, you're a success in work and life, plus you can handle whatever life throws at you.

But that’s not the map of reality for most people!

This parsing of information and stimuli functions as one big confirmation bias based on our map of reality, our blueprint. It allows in more of what we already believe to be true about ourselves and the world.

Here's the kicker: whatever contradicts your beliefs will be filtered out of your awareness.

Some information is completely deleted. For example, I used to believe my mom never smiled (I've heard this same thing from countless clients about people in their lives).

That's right, deleted from my awareness because it was not in alignment with my imprint of mom.

Other information is distorted to match your blueprint. For example, a comment about "Did you use a different spice in this?" becomes "This sucks, you can't cook," and you’re suddenly in the express lane of your failure trance, again.

Lastly, generalization happens, like when one bad dating experience leads to 'all men are terrible,' or a single mistake convinces you that you're destined to fail forever.

Our felt experience reflects the quality of our internal map of reality: our blueprint.

Work With Me Personally

If you're ready to:

• Break free from limiting patterns that keep you stuck in anxiety, fear, or pain

• Release traumatic memories that are controlling your present experience

• Create a new internal blueprint that supports the life you truly want to live

I invite you to schedule a personal breakthrough session where we'll create a customized plan to transform your unconscious programming. (Note: This will be a conversation about investing in your transformation. If you're not open to investing in yourself if the value is there, please don't book this call).

I Want My Personal Breakthrough Plan

De-fractionation: Breaking the Trance

Memories are real, fixed, and permanent, right?

Once, I thought so. And then I learned de-fractionation from Robert Smith in my FasterEFT training. It was a game changer.

But first, we need to back it up and discuss fractionation, which is a term used in hypnosis.

What is Fractionation?

Fractionation is a process of bringing someone in and out of trance which conditions them to become better at entering a trance state. Through this repetitive process, the mind is able to return faster and go deeper into trance each time.

When I look back on the years I spent in therapy, I feel this is what I was doing week after week. Continually going into my childhood trance, interrupting it, returning to go back into it faster and deeper as I told the old stories over and over. As I went deeper and deeper, my painful childhood trance became stronger and stronger.

How De-fractionation Works

De-fractionation is a skillful reverse engineering of fractionation. It's a process of repeatedly interrupting a trance (a memory) with the intended result of changing the memory. The strategic interruptions create shifts and changes in how we perceive the memory.

Robert Smith calls de-fractionation "a pattern interrupt with a desired outcome."

Pattern Interruption

How do we interrupt a memory with de-fractionation?

First you aim at the problem (notice how you know a memory, for exapmle, bothers you). Next you create a change of focus, and the possibilities are unlimited:

• Repeat a tongue twister

• Ask a question that directs the mind somewhere completely different

• Call out three things you see in your environment, three things you hear in your environment, and three things you can touch/feel in your environment. Then shift your focus to a memory that feels good (we call this a "happy memory" in FasterEFT).

In FasterEFT, we also frequently pair meridian tapping (which originates from Gary Craig and Emotional Freedom Technique) with strategic call-outs (such as: "Release and let it go, it's safe to let it go, just let it go") to interrupt the trance, redirect attention, and give a positive suggestion.

Real-World Examples

To use a metaphor, this process is like scratching an old vinyl record until it won't play anymore and you have to play a new one.

When you do this repeatedly, the negative memory can no longer hold itself together, painful emotions dissipate like mist, and the unconscious mind updates perception. It feels like magic.

This process of de-fractionation demonstrates a crucial principle: when we understand how our mind naturally learns and creates patterns, we can use that same mechanism to unlearn old patterns and create improved ones.

What makes FasterEFT particularly effective is how it integrates this understanding with practical techniques like meridian tapping, which I'll explore in my next article.

Your Turn to Reflect

Take a moment to consider your own early programming. What's one pattern in your life that might make more sense now, knowing how our minds create associations?

Share your insight in the comments below, your experience might help others recognize their own patterns.

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Coming up next in this series: What meridian tapping is and where it comes from, how FasterEFT differs from traditional approaches, the basic process explanation, and a simple starting point for readers.

The First Recording: How Our Mind Begins

Our mind begins its journey as an incredible recording device, capturing experiences from our first moments of awareness. Like a sophisticated computer receiving its initial programming, our early experiences create the blueprint for how we interpret and respond to life. This data is being captured within the complex emotional landscape of our caregivers' lives.

Robert Smith started my first FasterEFT training sharing that "All your problems begin at birth. If you hadn't been born, you would have no problems. When you were born the stage was set. Your caregivers already had their own coping skills and beliefs. They impacted and influenced you."

Like a blank notebook on the first day of school a newborn's mind is ready for taking in information and learning from the environment. These learnings come in the form of experiences and modeled behavior, as well as the feelings, sensations, and emotions they create. Every laugh, every tension, every spoken and unspoken message plays a part in how we interpret the world.

Learning Through Experience

We learn through what we experience, the stories we're told.

Of course, my mom and dad had their challenges when, surprise!, they discovered they would be parents. Mom was 19 and dad 23 when I was born. It seemed like they fought nightly, and their fights were tremendous. SO loud and they seemed to go on forever. Their arguments left me feeling scared and somehow to blame.

The Power of Association

One way our unconscious mind saves energy is by creating linkages between things that occur at the same time.

Hebb's law: Neurons that fire together wire together.

This is how we generalize and learn. It can be incredibly useful. And sometimes less so as we develop connections that cause a slew of negative emotions and behaviors.

These early associations become our default programming. They operate outside of our conscious awareness.

Now I look back and think, of course I was afraid of the dark and going to bed alone at night. All those nights listening to mom and dad fighting while feeling afraid, in the dark, laying in bed created that association. Even on those rare nights that mom and dad were not fighting, bedtime and dark triggered fear and anxiety. My mind had successfully linked bedtime and dark to the fearful emotions fighting created.

Children don't choose to feel anxious at bedtime, their mind creates this response automatically based on experiences.

Creating Our Mental Blueprint

Our early caregivers, while doing their best, contribute to this programming through their own:

• Patterns of thinking and feeling

• Beliefs about the world and their place in it

• Unique coping mechanisms

• Learned styles of communication

• Unresolved traumas and painful memories

These influences create "imprints." Imprints are foundational memories that become the filter through which we experience future situations.

Work With Me Personally

If you're ready to:

• Break free from limiting patterns that keep you stuck in anxiety, fear, or pain

• Release traumatic memories that are controlling your present experience

• Create a new internal blueprint that supports the life you truly want to live

I invite you to schedule a personal breakthrough session where we'll create a customized plan to transform your unconscious programming. (Note: This will be a conversation about investing in your transformation. If you're not open to investing in yourself if the value is there, please don't book this call).

I Want My Personal Breakthrough Plan

Imprints in Action

Think of a dog.

Notice what comes to mind, how that dog makes you think and feel.

My dog is a small red, white and sable Papillon named Sixto. He was the best dog and he went over the rainbow bridge in 2013.

My representation of Sixto is an imprint, a reference my mind goes to direct how I think and feel about dogs. This happens instantaneously and outside of my conscious awareness.

We have these imprints for everything and they determine how we think, feel, and even act.

From Protection to Pattern

Imagine a child who regularly witnesses conflict, the child learns to continually scan for danger. I have had many clients come to me with Multiple Chemical and EMF Sensitivities and every single one felt unsafe as a child. They were hyper-vigilant and continually scanning for danger.

Another child, surrounded by criticism learns, to expect judgment. They tend to feel at fault, or not good enough, in any situation. They deflect compliments like Superman does bullets because compliments contradict their beliefs about self.

These aren't conscious choices, they're automatic programs created through experience. What may not make sense today does make sense when you go back and explore the memories where the associations were created.

Understanding as the Key to Change

These understandings are the foundation for change in Robert Smith's FasterEFT methodology. We understand that early patterns:

• Form outside our conscious awareness

• Are triggered in similar situations

• Produce predictable emotional and physical responses

• Continue playing until we address the memories that led to them

• Influence our perception of present experiences

Mind mechanics show us that our responses aren't random, and we aren't broken. I haven't found a learned pattern that did not make sense in its original context.

This becomes the foundation for change through FasterEFT's methodology: addressing painful memories with associations that have outlived their use.

Your Turn to Reflect

Take a moment to consider your own early programming. What's one pattern in your life that might make more sense now, knowing how our minds create associations?

Share your insight in the comments below, your experience might help others recognize their own patterns.

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Coming up next in this series: I’ll be sharing about a powerful aspect of FasterEFT called defractionation and how it breaks trances to create change.

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