Sometimes the over-explaining is not even really for them. It is for the frightened child still living somewhere inside us who learned that love could be withdrawn if we became inconvenient. So we become fluent in justification. We soften ourselves.
Start making our “no” sound apologetic enough to remain lovable. But eventually exhaustion catches up.
Because a life built entirely around keeping everyone comfortable slowly makes a stranger out of yourself.
Yes! That entire struggle is a sign of what I call M.U.D. - misguided unconscious decisions - formed in childhood and adolescence. The good thing is what was learned can be unlearned.
This is a good point. I like the silence factor. It took me awhile to figure it out. I repected people's no's so why couldn't they respect mine? I learned not to give them the reasons. Like you said it was the same as giving them the power. I also learned this when people give me compliments. It is the same principal. They say thank you and I come back with reasons I did this. I realized it and now just say 'You are welcome.' Now I try and not explain my reasoning unless asked. That is another hard one. I over explain a lot of things.
It took me a very long time to be able to accept a compliment. Somewhere, somehow I equated it to arrogance, hearing my mom say “She thinks who the heck she is” as a fate worse than death. So I would always excuse it away and argue against a compliment. Saying thank you those first few times … as hard as a saying “no” as a complete sentence.
Nicola, You are one hundred percent right... "That silence is the hardest part." I remember Ask, Ask, Ask at TTT. It was one of my favorite exercises that week.
I wonder if the explanation is somehow tied to a survival mechanism. That without a group we feel more alone and isolated and more likely to not survive in life. That we are programmed to feel we need others or else we'll die. So it kicks in a feeling of danger to say no.
Thank you for restacking this, Bronce. Yes, I agree with you. The pattern is trying to keep us safe, helping us survive, and it needs an update. Saying no is truly not an existential threat, though we often feel like it is.
Sometimes the over-explaining is not even really for them. It is for the frightened child still living somewhere inside us who learned that love could be withdrawn if we became inconvenient. So we become fluent in justification. We soften ourselves.
Start making our “no” sound apologetic enough to remain lovable. But eventually exhaustion catches up.
Because a life built entirely around keeping everyone comfortable slowly makes a stranger out of yourself.
Yes! That entire struggle is a sign of what I call M.U.D. - misguided unconscious decisions - formed in childhood and adolescence. The good thing is what was learned can be unlearned.
This is a good point. I like the silence factor. It took me awhile to figure it out. I repected people's no's so why couldn't they respect mine? I learned not to give them the reasons. Like you said it was the same as giving them the power. I also learned this when people give me compliments. It is the same principal. They say thank you and I come back with reasons I did this. I realized it and now just say 'You are welcome.' Now I try and not explain my reasoning unless asked. That is another hard one. I over explain a lot of things.
It took me a very long time to be able to accept a compliment. Somewhere, somehow I equated it to arrogance, hearing my mom say “She thinks who the heck she is” as a fate worse than death. So I would always excuse it away and argue against a compliment. Saying thank you those first few times … as hard as a saying “no” as a complete sentence.
It is but awareness is 90%battle. Doing these two things alone gives you freedom to be the whole person. That is a huge gift.😉
I agree - awareness is the lion's share!
Nicola, You are one hundred percent right... "That silence is the hardest part." I remember Ask, Ask, Ask at TTT. It was one of my favorite exercises that week.
Thank you, Earl. It was fun, wasn’t it? There were so many great exercises, I find it difficult to pin down a favorite. Magical week!
I'm so with you on this. Just wrote almost the same words.
Love that, going to look for it now.
I wonder if the explanation is somehow tied to a survival mechanism. That without a group we feel more alone and isolated and more likely to not survive in life. That we are programmed to feel we need others or else we'll die. So it kicks in a feeling of danger to say no.
Thank you for restacking this, Bronce. Yes, I agree with you. The pattern is trying to keep us safe, helping us survive, and it needs an update. Saying no is truly not an existential threat, though we often feel like it is.