The Voice That Screams When Things Get Hard
When the problem isn't about what it's about.
I have pushed myself to the point of vomiting during a workout.
I’m not proud of it, exactly. But I remember what it taught me. Because when I got to that point, I realized something important: I hadn’t been anywhere close to that on any of the workouts where I told myself I was done.
Not even close.
That gap between what the voice says you can do and what you can actually do? That’s not a willpower problem. That’s not a mental toughness deficiency.
That’s M.U.D. Misguided Unconscious Decisions. And it shows up long before you ever put on your shoes.
Here’s the thing about M.U.D. It doesn’t always look like avoidance.
Sometimes it looks like procrastination. Sometimes it looks like being the last one up the hill. Sometimes it looks like a to-do list that’s been staring at you for three days, untouched, while your inner critic keeps score.
It all leads back to the same place. An unconscious equation that is running in the background.
An equation that says: what I accomplish equals what I’m worth. Or: being behind means I’m failing. Or: needing help means I’m weak.
The equation is M.U.D. that was installed early.
We didn’t choose it.
But we live by it.
Until we see it.
What I see in this work, again and again, is people getting to the source of the equation.
Not the behavior. Not the pattern. The decision underneath the pattern.
One woman I work with had a moment the week before where she connected the dots.
She’s been running on a script for most of her life: her value is tied to getting things done. Tick the list. Be productive. Don’t leave anything hanging. And when something doesn’t get resolved? That’s not a circumstance for her. It’s a verdict about her value. I failed. I’m inadequate.
She could trace it back to her mother. Most of us can trace something back to our mothers.
But here’s what happened in the session that matters more than her origin story.
She asked herself: if a client came to me with this, what would I say?
And I watched as everything shifted.
She started coaching herself. She walked through every incomplete item on her list. She found the places where she had done exactly what she could do, and the rest was waiting on someone else.
She found the thing she had wrestled with, problem-solved her way through, and actually resolved.
She had been looking straight at her failures and not seeing her wins.
Her words at the end: maybe I need to be nice to me in every struggle.
That’s not a coping strategy. That’s a live rewrite.
The Four Rs of identity change are: Recognize, Rewrite, Rewire, Retrain.
And Recognize is the one that can’t be skipped.
You cannot rewrite a story you haven’t read yet. You cannot rewire a pattern you’re still calling “just who I am.”
The breath work we do in my programs is designed to loosen what I call the M.U.D. Get it up to the surface where you can see it. Engage with it.
The unconscious doesn’t speak in bullet points. It speaks in sensations, in memories, in emotions that feel bigger than the situation calls for. But it is always speaking.
I say “it’s not about what it’s about.”
When you’re furious at something small, you’re probably not furious at the small thing.
When you’re convinced you can’t finish the hill, you’re probably not talking about the hill.
When you can’t bring yourself to do the one thing on your list, you might be protecting yourself from the verdict you’ve decided will come if you try and fail.
The work is recognizing the verdict before it’s handed down. Seeing the equation. Choosing not to solve for the same answer.
That’s what it looks like to change below the behavior.
If this is the work you’re ready to do, 🔗 The Permission Experiment waitlist is open for the September cohort. It’s a 12-week container for identity-level change.
If you want a lower-stakes entry point, The Perception Experiment is a 6-week summer program running July 13 through August 21. Limited spots. Details coming soon.
And if you want to do this work with a group in real time, 🔗 The Expectation Reset Workshop is July 18th.
Your messages always teach me something. And reflect something. Thank you.