You’re Not Resisting Change. Your FRAME Is.

We don’t break beliefs. We loosen up our M.U.D. and update the FRAME they’re living in.

Why Most Change Fails Before It Begins

For a long time, I went about changing my life backward. Or bass-ackwards, as my family liked to call it.

Most people do.

Think about New Year’s resolutions. A handful of behaviors chosen with the best intentions, then quietly abandoned before the ink is even dry.

Change Needs Roots, Not Willpower

Change is a lot like planting a seed. A seed needs soil, water, and sunlight to grow.

Set it on the counter and nothing happens.

Real change works the same way. To help any change grow roots, it has to be planted at the identity level first.

Habits Don’t Create Identity. Identity Creates Habits.

Habits and behaviors don’t create who we are. They grow out of who we believe we are.

And unless that belief changes, new habits tend to wither and die. Not because we’re lazy or undisciplined, but because the soil isn’t right.

When an Identity Becomes a “Fact”

I used to think I was bad with money.

That belief followed me well into my 40s. Not because it was true, but because my nervous system treated it like a fact.

It was a prediction built from childhood M.U.D. (Misguided Unconscious Beliefs) held inside an outdated FRAME.

And I had a lot of it. (Spoiler alert: we all do.)

How Beliefs Are Installed Early

My mom often said, “You can’t be trusted with money”, and if someone repeats something often enough (especially our caretakers), you’ll eventually believe it and then it becomes an identity.

“If you accept a limiting belief, then it will become a truth for you.”

— Louise Hay

Two Children, Two Stories, Two Meanings

When I was sixteen, I got my first job doing accounts payable at the electronics company where my dad worked.

I was thrilled to receive my first paycheck.

My mom snatched it out of my hand. And every paycheck after that.

“You can’t be trusted with money,” she said.

So, my paychecks went into this account my mom opened and managed. She said she was doing it for me, but what I was learning was a solid foundation in “I’m just bad with money.”

More M.U.D.

Meaning Is Where the Damage Happens

My sister was learning something different.

When she felt depressed, my mom gave her a credit card.

“Go buy yourself something nice. You’ll feel better.”

Same household. Same parent. Completely different meanings.

The story I built became:

I’m not worthy of the credit card. Spending money makes you feel better.

Big time M.U.D.!

Beliefs Always Prove Themselves Right

That belief system did exactly what belief systems do.

It created debt. A lot of it.

Confirmation bias at its finest.

Why “Good Systems” Still Fail

In my late 30s, I decided I’d had enough.

I found Dave Ramsey’s snowball method and thought, This is it.

Simple rules. Clear steps. Debt-free, here I come.

There was just one problem.

My identity didn’t support financial peace.

When Change Feels Like a Threat

• Tracking money.

• No new spending.

• Following new rules.

To my nervous system, this wasn’t an improvement. It felt dangerous.

“What do you mean we can’t buy things to feel better? You know you’re bad with money. You’re going to mess this up.”

The greatest disaster of self; comes not with experience of failure, but the fear gained belief; about what you think you cannot achieve.

— Nikki Rowe

Why Familiar Feels Safer Than Better

What I didn’t know then, but I know now, is this:

The mind flags familiar as safe and unfamiliar as unsafe.

Not good versus bad. Known versus unknown.

My ‘known’ was a lot of M.U.D. piled higher and deeper, and it directly conflicted with financial peace.

In fact, these new habits of tracking money and paying off debt coupled with not spending were a dangerous prediction error.

You probably see the writing on the wall as you read this, no doubt much faster than I did then.

Naturally, all my new habits crashed and burned. Which, of course, reinforced the belief, “I’m not good with money.”

Why Beliefs Don’t Change Until the FRAME Changes

I didn’t understand back then that beliefs don’t exist in isolation. They live inside a frame.

A belief is never just a thought. It’s held in place by memory, biology, values, and efficiency.

I now think of this as the FRAME that holds an identity in place:

F — Formative Unmet Needs
Early experiences shape what feels safe, possible, or off-limits.

R — Relational & Ancestral Residue
Some patterns aren’t learned directly. They’re absorbed, modeled, or inherited.

A — Aligned Value Conflicts
Part of me wanted financial freedom. Another part believed spending was how you felt better. Both values mattered. They just weren’t aligned.

M — Mammalian Fear of the Unknown
My nervous system preferred the familiar story “I’m bad with money” over the uncertainty of rewriting it.

E — Efficiency-Based Autopilot
The brain conserves energy by repeating known patterns, even painful ones.

No amount of budgeting advice could compete with that FRAME.

The new habits and behaviors didn’t stand a chance when my unconscious reacted like a salted snail. They were in direct conflict with my memories and identity, and this is a threat.

And on it went, wanting change, looking for the perfect system or habits to create change, crashing and burning, and reinforcing the identity-level beliefs.

It was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

My personal Groundhog Day.

Cleaning Up the Past Creates a New Prediction

What finally changed things wasn’t a better budget. It was cleaning up my memories.

Updating the meaning my nervous system was still using to predict the future.

When I could feel safe managing money, my identity was updated. That created a prediction error.

And everything shifted.

When Identity Changes, Behavior Follows

I could finally see that my mom was acting from her own fear.

There was no original proof I was bad with money, it was just projection. As that understanding landed in my body, the old mantra dissolved.

“I’m not good with money” no longer fit.

“Changing beliefs changes actions.”

— Nancy Duarte

Lasting Change Starts Where Meaning Lives

As my identity changed, my behavior followed. I became a woman who:

• uses tools to manage her money.

• has a plan of action.

• trusts herself with money.

Real change doesn’t happen at the behavior level. It happens when the FRAME holding an identity updates.

We don’t break beliefs. We loosen up our M.U.D. and update the FRAME they’re living in.

“As we develop new beliefs about who we are, our behavior will change to support the new identity.”

— Tony Robbins

Ready to Update Your FRAME?

The best habits, behaviors, or plans won’t grow and thrive until your FRAME aligns with them.

To create change that lasts, release your M.U.D. and update your FRAME.

PS: If you’re ready to stop repeating self-fulfilling prophecies and work at the level where real change grows roots, explore The Permission Experiment.

This is where beliefs update, not through force, but through safety.

Spots are limited… don’t wait!