The Gift of Cherished Memories

Learning to release grief without losing love.

Christmas morning we buried our comical cat Pukkah. He had this hysterical habit of sitting like Al Bundy on his couch in an episode of Married with Children. Once in a while he would put his paw up in the air, stop, and look for all the world like he forgot what was doing. That would make me laugh out loud.

He was also an exceptionally large cat, he looked like a small puma to me. Cats usually walk on quiet little paws, but Pukkah, you could hear him walk.

We were blindsided by his sudden illness and rapid death. He was only six years old. Even the vet couldn’t tell us what caused this. We have to move forward without answers or reasons.

It’s natural for the mind to crave answers and reasons, even though it changes nothing.

Having answers and reasons never brought a loved one back, whether it’s a dear family member, friend, or loyal four legged companion.

While most people were opening presents under twinkling Christmas trees, we were outside in the bitter cold burying our cat - the kind of task that can't be postponed, even if it deflates the whole Christmas spirit.

I'm no stranger to grief and loss. Since 2014, I've been working with clients to help them release their pain of loss, while navigating my own journey through grief. During COVID, I lost both my mom and my mother-in-law. Over the past 12 years, I've said goodbye to three cherished pets - one before I learned about our ability to release painful emotions, and two after discovering FasterEFT, a priceless skill.

Let's face it, grief and loss are universal experiences we all share, though they come in many forms:

• The unbearable emptiness of losing a partner

• The loss of a parent

• The soul-crushing loss of a child taken too soon

• The confidence-shattering loss of a job

• The loss of status

• The loss of a home

• The loss of our health after an accident or sudden diagnosis

While grief and loss are universal experiences, some of us end up suffering longer and more intensely than necessary, often because of patterns we create ourselves.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

Guilt is one of the most common emotions to ride shotgun with grief. In fact, I haven’t worked with a single person that didn’t have a long list of “shoulds” and “what ifs” precipitating feelings of guilt and regret:

• I should have said I love you more

• I should have known

• I should have done more

• I should have done something

• I should have said something

• What if I had called?

There’s an infinite list of these useless thoughts and all they do is create suffering like a festering soul wound.

I found myself doing it with Pukkah. Because of the work I do I’m blessed with the ability to observe myself having a thought without getting stuck in the thought like some kind of emotional quicksand.

FasterEFT, a therapeutic tapping technique that helps release emotional pain, taught me that those who have passed on are OK in every way. They are free from pain, torment, and suffering. And it’s OK for us to be free of that as well.

As I become aware of the painful thoughts I disengage and refocus on a better feeling thought: like Pukkah’s ridiculous Al Bundy pose (above).

Saying 'cancel, cancel' or 'stop' are also options to halt painful, useless thoughts which you immediately follow up with a better thought. These strategies become especially vital when we notice ourselves falling into one of grief's most common traps: becoming fixated on the final moments.

Often we end up solely focusing on the last moments, going over them time and time again as if that will create a new outcome. The cost of this is trading the richness of so many good memories for the final, painful ones.

I’ve done this myself as well. In 2002 I was with my Aunt when she died. For the longest time all I could focus on was the moment she took her very last breath, like a deep sigh, watching the two tears that ran down her face.

Her short battle with cancer was 6-months. Before she became ill, I had decades of wonderful experiences with her. Even so, I kept returning back to the final scene, a lot like moving your tongue in your mouth to check if that sore tooth is still sore. That last memory didn’t honor my aunt, her life, or the richness of it.

When I learned how to use FasterEFT on myself, for myself, this was one of the very first memories I released. Understanding that my Aunt was free, she was OK, we are all going to die, and using the tapping process on the memory repeatedly my body began to relax, and other memories started surfacing.

Before long I could see and hear her laughing again, giggling at her funny fart jokes, talking to her on the phone. I could smile remembering the year she dressed up as Santa when I was little.

It’s emotional suicide to continue visiting the worst memories, revivifying them and obscuring the good ones.

The fact is we are all going to die. ‘Memento mori’ is Latin for ‘remember (you have to die).’ The Stoics reminded themselves of this frequently.

Life is short, these experiences of loss are reminders of just how short it can be.

The great hourglass of life turns over as soon as we are born. Some of us have fewer grains running through our hourglass, especially in the case of pets with drastically shorter life spans.

We can honor our dear ones by choosing to focus on the good experiences. There is no better way to celebrate a person or pets existence than to feel joy that they existed, mattered, and made a difference in your life.

As I circle back and think of Pukkah, this cuddly feral rescue cat found in a storm drain... I can smile and know that he was given the best possible six years. He was loved and he will be remembered fondly.

Perhaps the true measure of our love isn't found in the depth of our grief, but in our conscious choice to cherish and preserve our brightest memories like the precious jewels they are, letting them shine brighter than the shadows of loss.