The Real Reason Change Doesn't Stick (What Actually Works)
10 years of memory work taught me what was missing
You’ve tried everything.
The planners. The podcasts. The positive affirmations. The new routines. The accountability partners. The therapy.
And for a moment, something shifts. You feel hopeful. You feel like this time will be different.
But then, two weeks later, you’re back. Same patterns. Same exhaustion. Same feeling of failure.
You’re not lazy. You’re not broken. You’re not lacking willpower.
You’re stuck in a trap that most people don’t even know exists.
And I spent 10 years not knowing it either.
The Trap: M.U.D. + L.A.P.
Let me introduce you to two concepts that changed everything for me.
M.U.D.: Misguided Unconscious Decisions.
These are beliefs your nervous system made in childhood, in moments when you were too young, overwhelmed, or under-resourced to process what was happening. They locked in. They hardened like concrete. And now they run your life.
For people-pleasers, the M.U.D. usually sounds like:
“If I want things, I’m selfish”
“My job is to make everyone happy”
“Boundaries mean I don’t love them”
“My needs don’t matter”
“Taking up space = rejection”
These aren’t beliefs you chose. They’re survival decisions your nervous system made.
The L.A.P.: the Least Action Pathway.
Your nervous system is efficient. It conserves energy by defaulting to familiar patterns, even if those patterns hurt.
So when your M.U.D. says “My needs don’t matter,” your nervous system doesn’t just believe it. It protects that belief by keeping you on the L.A.P - the path of least resistance.
For people-pleasers, the L.A.P. looks like this:
You start to want something for yourself. Your nervous system flags it as dangerous. So it automatically pulls you back to what feels safe: disappearing into everyone else’s needs.
It’s not a choice. It’s a prediction error correction. Your body is trying to keep you safe by keeping you small.
And every time you default back to the L.A.P., your nervous system collects more evidence that your M.U.D. is true.
“See? You really can’t have your own needs. You really are selfish if you try.”
It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. A loop. A trap.
Why Willpower Doesn’t Work
This is why all those planners and affirmations and routines don’t stick.
They work at the conscious level. But the M.U.D. and L.A.P. work at the nervous system level.
You can’t think your way out of a pattern that formed before you could think.
Affirmations say: “I am worthy. I deserve good things.”
But your nervous system knows you’re lying. Because your M.U.D. says the opposite. And your L.A.P. keeps pulling you back to what’s safe: erasing your needs.
No amount of willpower can compete with that.
Because willpower is a conscious tool. And your nervous system is running an unconscious program.
The Real Reason I Couldn’t Create Lasting Change (For 10 Years)
I’ve been doing memory work with private clients for a decade.
Rewriting traumatic experiences. Processing grief. Releasing emotional charge.
And it helped. People experience tangible relief.
But then they’d slip back. Back into the people-pleasing loop. Back to disappearing. Back to the same exhaustion.
I kept wondering: Why isn’t this sticking?
I realized the missing piece: Memory work alone isn’t enough. You also have to rewire the identity that those memories created.
You can process all your trauma, but if your identity is still “I need to make everyone happy,” your nervous system will keep manifesting evidence that’s true.
You can release the emotional charge from a memory, but if your nervous system still believes “wanting things is dangerous,” you’ll keep choosing everyone else’s needs first.
The missing piece was identity conditioning.
Not just cleaning up the past. But rebuilding who you are in the present.
Not just processing memories. But rewiring your nervous system so the easy path (the L.A.P.) leads toward freedom instead of self-erasure.
What Actually Changes Things
Real, lasting change happens when three things align:
1. You rewrite your M.U.D.
You map the beliefs that have been running your life. You understand where they came from. And you consciously choose new ones.
Not through positive thinking. Through nervous system work that makes the new beliefs feel true.
2. You update your L.A.P.
You retrain your nervous system so the path of least resistance leads somewhere different.
Instead of defaulting to people-pleasing, your nervous system defaults to self-care.
Instead of flagging boundaries as dangerous, it flags them as safe.
Instead of pulling you back to self-erasure, it pulls you toward authenticity.
3. You do it in community.
Because change is harder alone. And faster with witnesses.
When you’re in a group of people doing the same work, something shifts. You feel less alone. You see yourself in their stories. You celebrate their wins. You’re held through your struggles.
And that accelerates everything.
What This Looks Like in Real Life
Meet Nesta.
She came to me stuck in a trance: “I’m not ready. I’ll wait.”
Overthinking everything. Paralyzed by self-doubt. Watching “later” turn into “never.”
Her M.U.D. was rooted in trauma - a miscarriage during COVID, childhood wounds, fear around life and intimacy.
So we didn’t try to motivate her. We didn’t add more discipline.
We rewrote her nervous system.
We mapped the memories that built the “I’m not ready” pattern. We released the emotional charge. We retrained her brain to expect safety instead of loss.
By week 12, her identity had shifted.
Self-talk: “What do I have to lose?” → “What do I have to gain?”
Behavior: Sent avoided invoices. Created an “I’m Ready” screensaver. Started moving her body without guilt.
Nervous system: Anxiety became autonomy.
That’s what happens when you work at the identity level. Not fixing behavior. Becoming someone new.
The Permission Experiment
This is what I’ve been building toward.
A 12-week small-group coaching container that combines everything I’ve learned:
Memory work (rewriting M.U.D.)
Nervous system reconditioning (updating L.A.P.)
Identity reframing (becoming someone new)
Community accountability (doing it together)
It’s not therapy. It’s not mindset work. It’s identity conditioning.
And it works because it addresses the actual problem: not your willpower, not your habits, but the nervous system program running underneath everything.
The Question
Where will you be 12 weeks from now if you keep doing what you’ve been doing?
Still looping? Still exhausted? Still disappearing?
Or...
What if you committed to identity-level change?
What if 12 weeks from now, you simply were the kind of person who no longer needed to people-please?
Not because you’re trying harder. But because your identity shifted. Because your nervous system learned something new. Because you gave yourself permission.
That’s possible.
That’s The Permission Experiment.
Doors close January 10th. 12 spots. 12 weeks. Real transformation.
DM me to learn more.
This is such a clear, compassionate articulation of what so many people feel but can’t name.
I really appreciate how you normalize the loop instead of pathologizing it. Naming M.U.D. and L.A.P. puts language to something I see constantly in high-functioning, capable people who are exhausted from “trying harder” when their nervous system is protecting them based on old information.
The way you describe willpower failing isn’t shaming; it’s relieving. There’s a deep exhale in realizing, “Oh… this isn’t a character flaw. It’s a survival pattern.” And the distinction between memory work alone vs. identity-level rewiring feels especially important. That’s the missing bridge so many people fall off after they’ve done “all the work” and still end up back in the same place.
I also love how grounded this is in real change, letting the nervous system learn something new instead of forcing it to comply.
For anyone who’s been stuck in the loop of insight without integration, this is going to land deeply. I know that the way to the freedom we want is getting the right tools and support. We can let go of trying to do it ALL ourselves and your program sounds like this amazing combination! Thank you for this!
I read something like this in Psycho-cybernetics snd it is imprinted on my brain now.
Your behavior is unconscious most of the times but it can only be programmed through conscious change.
Every movement, thought, action was once conscious before it became second nature.
None of the hacks worked for me either. I was doing a surface-level shift when I should've been doing a soul-level scrap.
Thanks for this letter, Nicola.